Mmm, Anxiety.

I feeling very anxious. Very very anxious. This time of year does it a lot to me and I never mean for it to get so much power. It's just a day. It's a day that shouldn't matter. It's a day that does matter. Sunday marks 7 years of losing my mom. The most amazing woman I ever had the honor of knowing. A mom I often reference to as the "Mercedes Benz of mom's." I feel blessed to have gotten the one I did. I get very upset that I lost her as early as I did.

Along with the sadness that just seems to creep up on me during this season I also get depressed and anxious about other aspects of my life. Mostly those I care about. I'm convinced they don't care like I care. That I'm not ranked as high on their priority list as I seem to rank them. I feel easily blown off. I'm convinced that others find me to be a hassle, annoying, and repetitive. It's not a good feeling. Then I'm forced to remind myself that this is NOT the case. These people are my friends and family. They do not view me as a nuisance. They aren't trying to hurt my feelings by whatever it is that happened that triggered me. These are things that deeply affect me.

It's a lot of work convincing yourself the opposite of what you believe is happening. It's difficult feeling under/not appreciated. It's difficult spending days stuck in a house with only a 1.5 yr old to talk to because everyone else is working or too busy.

I think what I hate the most about these moods is the ease in which I cry. It's annoying. Having everything get you worked up is exhausting. I have no idea how the hell to fix it. I'm not like this all the time. I don't feel these things when I'm around another person [usually]. I just want it to stop.... It's way too exhausting feeling so uptight all the time and not knowing how to shake off this funk.

New Year's Resolution

So it's been awhile. The holidays have come and gone. We had a GREAT Christmas in Ohio with little man and he made out big time with cool things. Even almost scored a killer train table but couldn't find the necessary tools to disassemble it. So here's to hoping my dearest and most amazing sister visits me this summer and brings it!! Perhaps I shall bribe her with shopping? hehe.

I also have been banging out my driving school today for the speeding ticket I got a couple months ago. I'm an idiot. I learned my lesson. My wallet hates me for it. But at least I can do this class online instead of going to an actual class for 8 hrs on a Saturday which would mean arranging a baby sitter and probably cost more than this online thing.

Now to the actual topic of my post!
I know it's late but I finally came upon a New Year's Resolution. Which is odd since I normally could care less about them because nobody ever actually sticks to them. But it's time for a change in how I run my household day to day. Normally the thought of doing basic chores on a daily basis makes me crazy. I didn't realize how much I hated them until I was the SAHM working part time in the evenings. They suck. I'm a clutterbug. Now my house is never filthy but it's never truly clean. You will find trash throughout my home in the form of a paper towel, receipt, candy wrapper, water bottle, etc. You will find messes piled high of things that just need sorted/organized/and a home. When Adam and I get bitten by the cleaning bug we can straighten up our house pretty nice and quick too but it doesn't happen as often as it should.
So my goal is to start keeping a better house! With that said, I am going to start keeping an actual calendar to stick to of events on how to spend our day [our being me and Vik]. Like wake up, breakfast, story time, music time, mom showers while vik eats a snack and watches some sesame street, and so on throughout our day. I often feel like he's not getting enough of me because I want to read my Kindle or just check one thing online real quick [which never is quick]. I also think I'm an internet junky so I guess in trying to find a schedule and balance in keeping my home tidy and my son amused I'm trying to avoid being on the internet so much. Heck, I should just start shutting it down during the day and only allow myself on after bedtime. That would ensure my success with everything else!
But easier said than done. Considering we are currently a one car family that means I'm often here all day everyday without a way to leave [unless I plan something in advance]. I can't just make impromptu lunch plans with a friend unless we make them at a time that I can get Adam to drop off the car seat or they have an extra one. It means that if I get inspired to make something for dinner I can't just take a quick trip to the store. Kinda makes a girl stir crazy. I know I have a few people that don't mind helping me run errands or whatever or just coming over for some company. But I just want freedom to come and go with Vik as I please. Without having to make arrangements. So I spend my time on the internet to stay connected and occupied and feel like a grown up. But we'll be getting a second car with our tax return. And I need to refocus myself and my day to day functions.

Though I do hope to actually update this more often. I really enjoy writing out my thoughts. Maybe I should offer up to write some for Triad Mommies. That would help give me something to do during my days that's more productive.

I need to regain control of my life and my family. The end. Now enjoy a couple photos of my adorable son: