I feeling very anxious. Very very anxious. This time of year does it a lot to me and I never mean for it to get so much power. It's just a day. It's a day that shouldn't matter. It's a day that does matter. Sunday marks 7 years of losing my mom. The most amazing woman I ever had the honor of knowing. A mom I often reference to as the "Mercedes Benz of mom's." I feel blessed to have gotten the one I did. I get very upset that I lost her as early as I did.
Along with the sadness that just seems to creep up on me during this season I also get depressed and anxious about other aspects of my life. Mostly those I care about. I'm convinced they don't care like I care. That I'm not ranked as high on their priority list as I seem to rank them. I feel easily blown off. I'm convinced that others find me to be a hassle, annoying, and repetitive. It's not a good feeling. Then I'm forced to remind myself that this is NOT the case. These people are my friends and family. They do not view me as a nuisance. They aren't trying to hurt my feelings by whatever it is that happened that triggered me. These are things that deeply affect me.
It's a lot of work convincing yourself the opposite of what you believe is happening. It's difficult feeling under/not appreciated. It's difficult spending days stuck in a house with only a 1.5 yr old to talk to because everyone else is working or too busy.
I think what I hate the most about these moods is the ease in which I cry. It's annoying. Having everything get you worked up is exhausting. I have no idea how the hell to fix it. I'm not like this all the time. I don't feel these things when I'm around another person [usually]. I just want it to stop.... It's way too exhausting feeling so uptight all the time and not knowing how to shake off this funk.
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