Yes. I totally ripped that off of Judy Blume. What of it?
I've been having a lot of ups and downs lately. I'm not a fan of this fluctuation in moods nor do I know how to fix it. I'm sure some good 'ol counseling would help... perhaps some low dose meds... but those things don't come easy to the uninsured. And quite frankly, I'm exhausted at finding/researching how to get things I need [health wise] when I have no extra income for it. I've found a few solutions which usually involves paperwork and devoting a good chunk of my day to get the help. But hey, at least it's an option!
I just hate not having my mom around. I hate even more that there aren't people around me that get it. Well, my sister does but are circumstances are still slightly different so the emotions are as well. Sometimes I think it may be harder on her in some ways because her older two have a vague [if any at all by this point] memory of "Grandma Ruthie" while the youngest didn't even exist yet. But I guess at least mom got to see at least one of her children get married. See one of her children pregnant and meet her first granddaughter and grandson. There's this simply amazing photo of my mom holding my niece [this was within her first week or so of life when my mom went to go help my sister at home with her first babe]. They are standing near the backdoor at my sister's house and my mom had just turned at the camera when the pic was taken. The lighting isn't great which is why I think I love this photo so much. Shame it's in my sister's possession so I can't upload it for everyone else to enjoy :)
It just bums me out that my mom didn't get a chance to meet the man I love so dearly now. She missed out on my college graduation too. Oh, and me being pregnant and meeting my precious son. My sister had to fulfill my mom's promise to me. She had promised that she would do for me what she did for my sis... come and stay with me for a week whenever I had my first child and help me out. Obviously this was a promise she couldn't make good on. My sister, being the amazing person that she is, stepped into that "mom" role for me. You'd think our relationship would be more complex than it is. I mean, she's not just my older sister but she's sometimes my mother figure. I guess you'll have that when there's a 9 yr age gap... But the way that we fluctuate between which of those roles needs fulfilled in my life seems to be completely effortless. It's like she just knows I need her to be a mom to me for a moment. Or she knows I need my big sister to confide in or be silly in. I'm grateful to have her... I'm angry my mom isn't the one here fulfilling her role.
What I really hate hearing after sharing how sad I currently feel or have been feeling about my mom is when people try to make me feel better by pointing out that she's not really gone and she's watching over me. I don't [pardon the language] give a fuck. I don't. I could careless what it is my mom is doing while dead. Is she here? Is she helping me figure out how to raise my son? Has she ever met my son? Let me help you on this one... the answers are nope, nope, and nope! She is of no use to me dead. My kid won't give a shit who she is. He'll only care because I care.... and that's it. Think about it, do you care about your dead relative that you never met? Probably not much. You can't love someone you've never met. It's impossible... don't argue that point with me. Now I'm sure other people find it refreshing and nice to hear how their deceased loved one's are still there and what not. I'm not one of those people. It make me angry. It makes me hate religion. I know I'll always carry a part of my mom... I share half of her DNA. I am fully aware of her love for me and how much she would've loved the two main guys in my life. But her presence is not something I get to enjoy anymore. And I hate that she will never meet Adam because he's been so great and I know they'd really get along. But it was hard NOT to get along with my mom [at least most of the time]. What can I say? I feel I had the Mercedes Benz of mom's! It's just a shame that it got repo-ed...
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