This was almost a FB post....

...then I realized I don't feel like getting the comments I'm positive will follow. So here goes:

I never think about nor really want marriage... until I look at someone else's wedding/engagement photos. Then the girl in me comes out and goes "awww, I really want that!" When I then analyze the expense of a wedding paired with my frugality and lack of anyone other than the boyfriend and myself to pay for it, I'm less interested in such things.

And really, what Adam and I are currently is basically a married couple. I like that feeling. I don't think being married is dictated by paper but a mindset. For some reason though it always makes me uncomfortable to think of being bound to another person by law. Makes me all itchy and antsy and not want it.
With that said, I do want the respect that comes from being married and having a child with the person. I get that we're doing it all backwards... I also get that I shouldn't care what other's think... But you'd be lying to yourself if the idea of being able to refer to the father [or mother] of your child as your spouse doesn't make you feel better. I don't want people to pass judgement on me using the term boyfriend when referencing the man I procreated with. He's so much more to me than that word represents! I mean, it's not like anyone is noticeably judging me for not being married [or at least engaged] to the man I had a child with but referring to him as a boyfriend doesn't feel right to me. So sometimes I just refer to him as dad in whatever format works in talking about my son. I.e. "his daddy is great with him!" Seems to work out just fine.

I just want the respect of marriage without having to do it. Perhaps I'll just legally change my last name and wear a simple band or pretty ring on that finger. Let people think what they will! My grandma can get solace in thinking we're married... I can refer to him as hubby [like I sometimes slip up and do anyway] but I don't feel "stuck". So I get my sense of appreciation from others for "marrying" the father of my child without actually doing it.

Of course, I won't actually do this... And I feel silly for caring so much about what stigma people are attaching to me. But it's my thing to work on and whatever solution is best for me will happen. Thanks for reading my ramblings!

Expect the Best; Prepare for the Worst

I've had about two or three conversations now as it pertains to marriage/dating and an exit strategy/self sufficiency. The most recent one was with the boyfriend and I'm glad we appear to be in sync with the thought process.

The conversations have gone something along the lines of discussing my more recent [I'd say within the past 6 months or so] views to marriage. Not that I wouldn't marry the boyfriend today if he asked necessarily. I very much love him. But that the thought of marriage at some point has created a knot in my stomach and a feeling of 'but if I marry him I'll be trapped with him'. Which isn't at all true. I'd be no more or less "trapped" as I am now with having his kid and him supporting us while I'm the free daycare and pay on whatever utilities/groceries I can. But it's the initial response I've been having lately to marriage. Which I guess leads us into the concept of an "exit plan."

I don't exactly view it as an exit plan but as attempting to be an independent/self-sufficient woman. Yes, I realize I can only be SO independent working two part time jobs on whatever given night and staying home all day with my little guy. But my mother raised me and my siblings to be capable of taking care of ourselves. Sure, it's great to have someone that can take care of you but you just never know what the future holds and it's good to know you are capable of caring for yourself. Personally, I'm a huge fan of that lesson! Why shouldn't I and everyone else be? You just never know what the future holds.

But having an exit plan goes beyond that of just breaking up/divorcing/whatever. Now here's where I take a more morbid look at things: What happens to me and Viktor in the event that Adam dies? I mean, death is everywhere. I have lost my parents way before I should have and realize that you can't assume those you love will live forever and ever and life will be perfect. It's not like that. So what do I do if something awful happened to Adam? Well, with my mom's raising I know I'm perfectly capable of making it on my own. Hell, I've watched her figure it out! And while I know it wouldn't be easy I like to think my mom equipped me with a good mindset to go out and support just me and my son if I ever had to.

I guess I should also add that I don't allow these negative and dark thoughts to consume me. Actually, until these more recent conversations I don't have an active plan of what to do if things between Adam and I don't pan out. All I have so far is we'd be stuck living together until I got a full time job and can live independently. And that we'd share custody. In the event we both die my sister will add another kid to her group.

These people I've talked to almost seem stunned I think this way at all. That you can't go into a marriage and the like with the thought process of "what will I do when/if this doesn't work out?" But I don't think that way... I'm more concerned about unforeseen death than I am about ended relationships. That one seems more likely to me. Also, I will tackle what to do when/if things don't work out when/if it doesn't. So I guess that's where the title of the blog fits in. I prefer to say I expect for the best to happen but try to be prepared for the worst.

I feel I have typed too much while also feeling that I haven't gotten my full point across or all the thoughts I have on this topic across. Oh well. Hope it was some good food for thought anyway!