Tis the Season for....

babies and engagements!! Majority of my news feed on the facebook has become filled with news on newly engaged couples and those planning weddings, as well as people who have just had children and those who are pregnant in varying stages of pregnancy. It's enough to give a girl wedding and baby fever!

I know, I know... tends to be a common topic for me. But what can I say? They are the two forces in my life that both pull on my strings to do and scare the crap out of me! I've reached a point that I want another child. Like, for real. Though I'm not at a point where I'm ready to try for one. I don't feel comfortable with another child out of wedlock since it'd be with the same guy, ya know? I also had to go on pregnancy medicaid for Viktor and feel it's not right of me to plan the pregnancy of a second child that I don't have health coverage for thus causing me to utilize pregnancy medicaid again. I know that that is what it's there for, for people like me who can't afford health coverage. But if I can't find a way to afford health coverage and do have free birth control where is it right of me to take some more? I'd feel better having to do it again in a situation where we accidentally got pregnant. Which is how Adam seems to think all people should get pregnant. If that's his mindset I'll have to "accidentally" go off my birth control so we can "accidentally" get pregnant. Hm. Yeah...

Onto everyone getting engaged/hitched. I think this will happen for me. Hopefully it happens before Vik goes off to kindergarten. It's really my only stipulation to Adam.... I want to share the last name of my son by the time he goes to school. It just makes things easier for everyone. I must be Vik's mom because we share the same complicated last name! Adam hates the idea of a wedding. Then again, Adam hates having his picture taken and being center attention like that. My ideal wedding would literally only involve those closest to us that we couldn't imagine NOT having at our wedding. So parents, siblings, grandparents, and best friends are a must. Once it's all tallied I'd be surprised if we surpass 20 guests. And the rings I tend to like float in the price range of $500. I do agree with Adam that it's just hard to justify the money on a party when we have a son to raise.
My ideal wedding? Outdoors, in fall, in the mountains. With the people we love the most. Then a simple and nice dinner/lunch/foodage of some sort. I'm flexible on all parts but fall. Fall is my fav. season!

Now to get other stuff done before my wild little man wakes up from his nap!

Mmm, Anxiety.

I feeling very anxious. Very very anxious. This time of year does it a lot to me and I never mean for it to get so much power. It's just a day. It's a day that shouldn't matter. It's a day that does matter. Sunday marks 7 years of losing my mom. The most amazing woman I ever had the honor of knowing. A mom I often reference to as the "Mercedes Benz of mom's." I feel blessed to have gotten the one I did. I get very upset that I lost her as early as I did.

Along with the sadness that just seems to creep up on me during this season I also get depressed and anxious about other aspects of my life. Mostly those I care about. I'm convinced they don't care like I care. That I'm not ranked as high on their priority list as I seem to rank them. I feel easily blown off. I'm convinced that others find me to be a hassle, annoying, and repetitive. It's not a good feeling. Then I'm forced to remind myself that this is NOT the case. These people are my friends and family. They do not view me as a nuisance. They aren't trying to hurt my feelings by whatever it is that happened that triggered me. These are things that deeply affect me.

It's a lot of work convincing yourself the opposite of what you believe is happening. It's difficult feeling under/not appreciated. It's difficult spending days stuck in a house with only a 1.5 yr old to talk to because everyone else is working or too busy.

I think what I hate the most about these moods is the ease in which I cry. It's annoying. Having everything get you worked up is exhausting. I have no idea how the hell to fix it. I'm not like this all the time. I don't feel these things when I'm around another person [usually]. I just want it to stop.... It's way too exhausting feeling so uptight all the time and not knowing how to shake off this funk.

New Year's Resolution

So it's been awhile. The holidays have come and gone. We had a GREAT Christmas in Ohio with little man and he made out big time with cool things. Even almost scored a killer train table but couldn't find the necessary tools to disassemble it. So here's to hoping my dearest and most amazing sister visits me this summer and brings it!! Perhaps I shall bribe her with shopping? hehe.

I also have been banging out my driving school today for the speeding ticket I got a couple months ago. I'm an idiot. I learned my lesson. My wallet hates me for it. But at least I can do this class online instead of going to an actual class for 8 hrs on a Saturday which would mean arranging a baby sitter and probably cost more than this online thing.

Now to the actual topic of my post!
I know it's late but I finally came upon a New Year's Resolution. Which is odd since I normally could care less about them because nobody ever actually sticks to them. But it's time for a change in how I run my household day to day. Normally the thought of doing basic chores on a daily basis makes me crazy. I didn't realize how much I hated them until I was the SAHM working part time in the evenings. They suck. I'm a clutterbug. Now my house is never filthy but it's never truly clean. You will find trash throughout my home in the form of a paper towel, receipt, candy wrapper, water bottle, etc. You will find messes piled high of things that just need sorted/organized/and a home. When Adam and I get bitten by the cleaning bug we can straighten up our house pretty nice and quick too but it doesn't happen as often as it should.
So my goal is to start keeping a better house! With that said, I am going to start keeping an actual calendar to stick to of events on how to spend our day [our being me and Vik]. Like wake up, breakfast, story time, music time, mom showers while vik eats a snack and watches some sesame street, and so on throughout our day. I often feel like he's not getting enough of me because I want to read my Kindle or just check one thing online real quick [which never is quick]. I also think I'm an internet junky so I guess in trying to find a schedule and balance in keeping my home tidy and my son amused I'm trying to avoid being on the internet so much. Heck, I should just start shutting it down during the day and only allow myself on after bedtime. That would ensure my success with everything else!
But easier said than done. Considering we are currently a one car family that means I'm often here all day everyday without a way to leave [unless I plan something in advance]. I can't just make impromptu lunch plans with a friend unless we make them at a time that I can get Adam to drop off the car seat or they have an extra one. It means that if I get inspired to make something for dinner I can't just take a quick trip to the store. Kinda makes a girl stir crazy. I know I have a few people that don't mind helping me run errands or whatever or just coming over for some company. But I just want freedom to come and go with Vik as I please. Without having to make arrangements. So I spend my time on the internet to stay connected and occupied and feel like a grown up. But we'll be getting a second car with our tax return. And I need to refocus myself and my day to day functions.

Though I do hope to actually update this more often. I really enjoy writing out my thoughts. Maybe I should offer up to write some for Triad Mommies. That would help give me something to do during my days that's more productive.

I need to regain control of my life and my family. The end. Now enjoy a couple photos of my adorable son:

Er, it's been awhile... Oops!

I try to be regular posting on here. I also try to get to bed at a normal time [both seem to never happen].

I'm thinking Mr. Viktor needs a haircut. However, I'm VERY torn about this decision. He already looks and acts too grown for my liking. People weren't kidding when they told me how fast kids grow!! Sheesh... But his hair is in his eyes and I'm constantly pushing them aside. He also ends up with all kinds of foods in his hair. This especially frustrates me when I just gave him a bath and then he eats something that seems to love to be pulled through hair and make it looks greasy. So awesome. Such a waste of a bath. I'm also tired of people confusing my little BOY for a little GIRL when they just glance and don't take in that he is wearing a red football t-shirt and jeans. He is not wearing a dress or anything even remotely feminine.

I've always had a problem with defaulting young babies to boys when left with no other cues to the sex of the baby. Therefore, I'm very aware and try to dress my son in things that would be associated with a boy. Then again, I've heard about women who have decked out their daughters in pink and still got them called boys. Some people...


I guess calling Vik a girl is a strange sort of compliment [though frustrating]. I mean, by being called a girl the person is probably just thinking "oh, what a pretty baby" and pretty = girl. So thanks for compliment on my adorable child! heh.

And it's 12:31 am. I have work and stuff to accomplish tomorrow. Blech. I want a true lazy day soon!! I guess I'll get one on my "vacation" to Ohio. Which really means driving around and hoping my son isn't a grump butt for all the traveling.

Until next time folks. Gnight

Toddler Time!

Toddler. It's so weird to call my baby that. It feels too big for my little man that I incubated for 9 months. The little guy that I just had to know what time it was to know to feed him, and sometimes guessing how much food to give him. He's fast approaching a year and a half and find's a bag of snacks to hand me to let me know "hey Ma, open these! I'm hungry." He finds whatever sippy cup he has laying around the house to satiate his thirst. He let's me know when he is ready for snuggles and when he's ready for play. Before I just guessed at it. There doesn't seem to be so much guessing anymore.

I just can't get over how grown my little guy is! How much more independent he is. How much more of a handful he is! But I love it. As stressed out as I get being his mom is a pretty rad gig that I've been blessed with. And now to end this with a family photo so that I may rescue him from his bed... apparently mommy thought he needed a nap and he has decided otherwise. 

This was almost a FB post....

...then I realized I don't feel like getting the comments I'm positive will follow. So here goes:

I never think about nor really want marriage... until I look at someone else's wedding/engagement photos. Then the girl in me comes out and goes "awww, I really want that!" When I then analyze the expense of a wedding paired with my frugality and lack of anyone other than the boyfriend and myself to pay for it, I'm less interested in such things.

And really, what Adam and I are currently is basically a married couple. I like that feeling. I don't think being married is dictated by paper but a mindset. For some reason though it always makes me uncomfortable to think of being bound to another person by law. Makes me all itchy and antsy and not want it.
With that said, I do want the respect that comes from being married and having a child with the person. I get that we're doing it all backwards... I also get that I shouldn't care what other's think... But you'd be lying to yourself if the idea of being able to refer to the father [or mother] of your child as your spouse doesn't make you feel better. I don't want people to pass judgement on me using the term boyfriend when referencing the man I procreated with. He's so much more to me than that word represents! I mean, it's not like anyone is noticeably judging me for not being married [or at least engaged] to the man I had a child with but referring to him as a boyfriend doesn't feel right to me. So sometimes I just refer to him as dad in whatever format works in talking about my son. I.e. "his daddy is great with him!" Seems to work out just fine.

I just want the respect of marriage without having to do it. Perhaps I'll just legally change my last name and wear a simple band or pretty ring on that finger. Let people think what they will! My grandma can get solace in thinking we're married... I can refer to him as hubby [like I sometimes slip up and do anyway] but I don't feel "stuck". So I get my sense of appreciation from others for "marrying" the father of my child without actually doing it.

Of course, I won't actually do this... And I feel silly for caring so much about what stigma people are attaching to me. But it's my thing to work on and whatever solution is best for me will happen. Thanks for reading my ramblings!

Confession...

I think I want a second child. Now don't get all excited, because I don't want said second child for a little while. But how can I not want to duplicate my adorable, and silly, little man?
Since having Viktor I always said he was the only one I was having. That he was all I could handle! And he's a handful. He strikes me as the child that will [when able] climb a tree just so that he may jump out of it. This thought doesn't excite me. It makes me dread future ER visits. But he may prove me wrong... who knows... it's just a feeling I have. And how will I literally catch him when he makes his leap of faith while holding a baby that needs me?

However, I also feel I would be doing my son a great injustice to NOT give him a sibling. My brother and sister are all I have! I mean, I have my step dad too. Who is very much family! So you better dare not downplay his role in my life. But there are only two people in the whole world who know what I've been through and how it feels to go through it. Name me another two people who've suffered the EXACT losses I did... I bet you can't. It's not terribly common to have both of your parents pass away due to their own, ignored, mental health issues. Yeah.

I digress.... I feel my son needs a sibling. I'd rather just have another little boy. I love boys! Haha. I'm the only female in the house, though I think one of the cats is a girl too. I'm surrounded by guys all day everyday. I prefer this. I'm concerned I'm not girly enough to have a daughter. If I found out I was pregnant with a girl in the future I think that would be the day I would try to start doing my hair and make up more often. I would probably subscribe to some fashion magazines so I can learn more and pair these efforts with more communication with my sister [as if I don't talk to her enough as it is...]. I want my son to have someone to grow up with that understands how his parents are. To bounce ideas off of. To have present in their lives when me and his father no longer is. We live too far/don't see Viktor's cousins often enough. And the one that does live in-state is 8! I mean, what does an 8 yr old have in common with a 1.5 yr old? Not much.... Though they do really like each other, it looks like it may be awhile before any serious bond forms.

Like I said, don't get all giddy excited by this confession. Or even ask me much about it... This is something I'd like for Viktor and it's going to be awhile before I get my ducks in a row to add another child to our family unit. Assuming the time is ever right to add on! But I have to do what's best for the family I currently have before adding more people to the mix.