Er, it's been awhile... Oops!

I try to be regular posting on here. I also try to get to bed at a normal time [both seem to never happen].

I'm thinking Mr. Viktor needs a haircut. However, I'm VERY torn about this decision. He already looks and acts too grown for my liking. People weren't kidding when they told me how fast kids grow!! Sheesh... But his hair is in his eyes and I'm constantly pushing them aside. He also ends up with all kinds of foods in his hair. This especially frustrates me when I just gave him a bath and then he eats something that seems to love to be pulled through hair and make it looks greasy. So awesome. Such a waste of a bath. I'm also tired of people confusing my little BOY for a little GIRL when they just glance and don't take in that he is wearing a red football t-shirt and jeans. He is not wearing a dress or anything even remotely feminine.

I've always had a problem with defaulting young babies to boys when left with no other cues to the sex of the baby. Therefore, I'm very aware and try to dress my son in things that would be associated with a boy. Then again, I've heard about women who have decked out their daughters in pink and still got them called boys. Some people...


I guess calling Vik a girl is a strange sort of compliment [though frustrating]. I mean, by being called a girl the person is probably just thinking "oh, what a pretty baby" and pretty = girl. So thanks for compliment on my adorable child! heh.

And it's 12:31 am. I have work and stuff to accomplish tomorrow. Blech. I want a true lazy day soon!! I guess I'll get one on my "vacation" to Ohio. Which really means driving around and hoping my son isn't a grump butt for all the traveling.

Until next time folks. Gnight

Toddler Time!

Toddler. It's so weird to call my baby that. It feels too big for my little man that I incubated for 9 months. The little guy that I just had to know what time it was to know to feed him, and sometimes guessing how much food to give him. He's fast approaching a year and a half and find's a bag of snacks to hand me to let me know "hey Ma, open these! I'm hungry." He finds whatever sippy cup he has laying around the house to satiate his thirst. He let's me know when he is ready for snuggles and when he's ready for play. Before I just guessed at it. There doesn't seem to be so much guessing anymore.

I just can't get over how grown my little guy is! How much more independent he is. How much more of a handful he is! But I love it. As stressed out as I get being his mom is a pretty rad gig that I've been blessed with. And now to end this with a family photo so that I may rescue him from his bed... apparently mommy thought he needed a nap and he has decided otherwise. 

This was almost a FB post....

...then I realized I don't feel like getting the comments I'm positive will follow. So here goes:

I never think about nor really want marriage... until I look at someone else's wedding/engagement photos. Then the girl in me comes out and goes "awww, I really want that!" When I then analyze the expense of a wedding paired with my frugality and lack of anyone other than the boyfriend and myself to pay for it, I'm less interested in such things.

And really, what Adam and I are currently is basically a married couple. I like that feeling. I don't think being married is dictated by paper but a mindset. For some reason though it always makes me uncomfortable to think of being bound to another person by law. Makes me all itchy and antsy and not want it.
With that said, I do want the respect that comes from being married and having a child with the person. I get that we're doing it all backwards... I also get that I shouldn't care what other's think... But you'd be lying to yourself if the idea of being able to refer to the father [or mother] of your child as your spouse doesn't make you feel better. I don't want people to pass judgement on me using the term boyfriend when referencing the man I procreated with. He's so much more to me than that word represents! I mean, it's not like anyone is noticeably judging me for not being married [or at least engaged] to the man I had a child with but referring to him as a boyfriend doesn't feel right to me. So sometimes I just refer to him as dad in whatever format works in talking about my son. I.e. "his daddy is great with him!" Seems to work out just fine.

I just want the respect of marriage without having to do it. Perhaps I'll just legally change my last name and wear a simple band or pretty ring on that finger. Let people think what they will! My grandma can get solace in thinking we're married... I can refer to him as hubby [like I sometimes slip up and do anyway] but I don't feel "stuck". So I get my sense of appreciation from others for "marrying" the father of my child without actually doing it.

Of course, I won't actually do this... And I feel silly for caring so much about what stigma people are attaching to me. But it's my thing to work on and whatever solution is best for me will happen. Thanks for reading my ramblings!

Confession...

I think I want a second child. Now don't get all excited, because I don't want said second child for a little while. But how can I not want to duplicate my adorable, and silly, little man?
Since having Viktor I always said he was the only one I was having. That he was all I could handle! And he's a handful. He strikes me as the child that will [when able] climb a tree just so that he may jump out of it. This thought doesn't excite me. It makes me dread future ER visits. But he may prove me wrong... who knows... it's just a feeling I have. And how will I literally catch him when he makes his leap of faith while holding a baby that needs me?

However, I also feel I would be doing my son a great injustice to NOT give him a sibling. My brother and sister are all I have! I mean, I have my step dad too. Who is very much family! So you better dare not downplay his role in my life. But there are only two people in the whole world who know what I've been through and how it feels to go through it. Name me another two people who've suffered the EXACT losses I did... I bet you can't. It's not terribly common to have both of your parents pass away due to their own, ignored, mental health issues. Yeah.

I digress.... I feel my son needs a sibling. I'd rather just have another little boy. I love boys! Haha. I'm the only female in the house, though I think one of the cats is a girl too. I'm surrounded by guys all day everyday. I prefer this. I'm concerned I'm not girly enough to have a daughter. If I found out I was pregnant with a girl in the future I think that would be the day I would try to start doing my hair and make up more often. I would probably subscribe to some fashion magazines so I can learn more and pair these efforts with more communication with my sister [as if I don't talk to her enough as it is...]. I want my son to have someone to grow up with that understands how his parents are. To bounce ideas off of. To have present in their lives when me and his father no longer is. We live too far/don't see Viktor's cousins often enough. And the one that does live in-state is 8! I mean, what does an 8 yr old have in common with a 1.5 yr old? Not much.... Though they do really like each other, it looks like it may be awhile before any serious bond forms.

Like I said, don't get all giddy excited by this confession. Or even ask me much about it... This is something I'd like for Viktor and it's going to be awhile before I get my ducks in a row to add another child to our family unit. Assuming the time is ever right to add on! But I have to do what's best for the family I currently have before adding more people to the mix.

It's been awhile

And in this while my son has been keeping me busy!! He seems to have gotten taller overnight while also walking around getting in to EVERYTHING!! But I wouldn't trade it for the world :)

Since my hiatus we had a trip up to Ohio to surprise my amazing sister for her birthday. I was surprised at how well this kid did for traveling so much. He only had a breakdown in his last hour or two of a 8-9 hr trip [driving up and driving back]. I have no idea how people manage to travel further than that in a car with a toddler.

It's weird to think of my son as a toddler now. I feel like his growing up has happened in a blink. I always was told and understood how much I needed to appreciate my son during this past year because they grow up SO fast but I guess I didn't expect it to sneak up on me like this. He's also quickly approaching the need to get his first haircut too. He's looking rather hippie-ish. Haha! But it's adorable and I don't have the heart to cut his little curls off. They're precious and I doubt I'll get them back if I do....

He still doesn't say words. He makes sounds that SOUND like he's trying to repeat what we're saying. Like 'kitty cat' and 'dog'. But is terribly inconsistent. However, Vik does babble constantly. And I mean constantly! Guess he takes after his mama!

Now I end this with a couple photos taken while in Ohio. Here's Viktor at Grandpa Bob's house with Ty [that dog has been around since I was maybe 12 or so... super old dog now]

And a picture of Viktor with Grandpa Bob. I love this photo cause even though Vik's like "sheesh ma, quit taking my photo" you can see Bob just beaming. I love it!!

Are you there Mom? It's me, Carla

Yes. I totally ripped that off of Judy Blume. What of it?

I've been having a lot of ups and downs lately. I'm not a fan of this fluctuation in moods nor do I know how to fix it. I'm sure some good 'ol counseling would help... perhaps some low dose meds... but those things don't come easy to the uninsured. And quite frankly, I'm exhausted at finding/researching how to get things I need [health wise] when I have no extra income for it. I've found a few solutions which usually involves paperwork and devoting a good chunk of my day to get the help. But hey, at least it's an option!

I just hate not having my mom around. I hate even more that there aren't people around me that get it. Well, my sister does but are circumstances are still slightly different so the emotions are as well. Sometimes I think it may be harder on her in some ways because her older two have a vague [if any at all by this point] memory of "Grandma Ruthie" while the youngest didn't even exist yet. But I guess at least mom got to see at least one of her children get married. See one of her children pregnant and meet her first granddaughter and grandson. There's this simply amazing photo of my mom holding my niece [this was within her first week or so of life when my mom went to go help my sister at home with her first babe]. They are standing near the backdoor at my sister's house and my mom had just turned at the camera when the pic was taken. The lighting isn't great which is why I think I love this photo so much. Shame it's in my sister's possession so I can't upload it for everyone else to enjoy :)

It just bums me out that my mom didn't get a chance to meet the man I love so dearly now. She missed out on my college graduation too. Oh, and me being pregnant and meeting my precious son. My sister had to fulfill my mom's promise to me. She had promised that she would do for me what she did for my sis... come and stay with me for a week whenever I had my first child and help me out. Obviously this was a promise she couldn't make good on. My sister, being the amazing person that she is, stepped into that "mom" role for me. You'd think our relationship would be more complex than it is. I mean, she's not just my older sister but she's sometimes my mother figure. I guess you'll have that when there's a 9 yr age gap... But the way that we fluctuate between which of those roles needs fulfilled in my life seems to be completely effortless. It's like she just knows I need her to be a mom to me for a moment. Or she knows I need my big sister to confide in or be silly in. I'm grateful to have her... I'm angry my mom isn't the one here fulfilling her role.

What I really hate hearing after sharing how sad I currently feel or have been feeling about my mom is when people try to make me feel better by pointing out that she's not really gone and she's watching over me. I don't [pardon the language] give a fuck. I don't. I could careless what it is my mom is doing while dead. Is she here? Is she helping me figure out how to raise my son? Has she ever met my son? Let me help you on this one... the answers are nope, nope, and nope! She is of no use to me dead. My kid won't give a shit who she is. He'll only care because I care.... and that's it. Think about it, do you care about your dead relative that you never met? Probably not much. You can't love someone you've never met. It's impossible... don't argue that point with me. Now I'm sure other people find it refreshing and nice to hear how their deceased loved one's are still there and what not. I'm not one of those people. It make me angry. It makes me hate religion. I know I'll always carry a part of my mom... I share half of her DNA. I am fully aware of her love for me and how much she would've loved the two main guys in my life. But her presence is not something I get to enjoy anymore. And I hate that she will never meet Adam because he's been so great and I know they'd really get along. But it was hard NOT to get along with my mom [at least most of the time]. What can I say? I feel I had the Mercedes Benz of mom's! It's just a shame that it got repo-ed...

Titles

I was reading my mom's forum when someone posed a dilemma in what to refer to someone who is not married into the family [there was more to it than that but I'm paraphrasing]. It really made me start thinking how many g-rents my kid has and how confusing it all is going to be! How am I going to explain to him that Daddy has both a mom and a dad and an extra dad and a kind of extra mom [his dad has been dating the same woman forever but won't get hitched again] but Mommy doesn't have a mom or a dad but has a step dad. Then there's the great grandparents. Unlike Adam my step dad was around basically my entire life so I have a closeness with his family that Adam doesn't quite have with his new step family. Granted, he did have a step family prior to this one and I didn't so that may make a slight difference. Who knows? I digress...
So not only is there grandpa [or whatever my kid comes up to my call my step dad] but there's a great grandma on my mom's side, a great grandma on my dad's side, and a great grandma and grandpa in my step dad's family. That's 5 in my family. Now on to Adam's: Nana, Papa Rick, grandpa [Adam's dad], then his great grandpa on his mom's side and two great grandparents on his dad's side. So we have 6 in Adam's family so all together Vik will have 11 people in his life to refer to as a grandparent in some sense of the word. Sheesh. That's a lot of people! Way to go blended families.

I gotta say though... the idea of explaining it all doesn't thrill me. I want my son to call my step dad something along the lines of grandpa. Even though everyone [including my sister's kids] call him by his first name. And I absolutely detest the thought of explaining my lack of parents and Adam's surplus of them. If it weren't for the fact that I think it would confuse people or would be just disrespectful to my biological father and his family I would just refer to my step dad as my dad. But alas, since I never called him that and was never pressed to call him that it'd just feel weird to do it now at 25. Besides, I think being a step dad and referred to as such with extreme fondness is almost better than being someone's biological parent. Sure the bond and love is different but nothing expresses true, deep, sincere, love better than acting as a parent when you have no obligation to do so. It amazes me that he was able to step into our lives and act as a father without over stepping boundaries of our actual father. It amazes me even more that he stayed involved in our lives even after our mom passed. This man has no blood or legal obligation to us but he treats us as his own. That is just incredible. It's nice to know that I still have a parent...

Happily Pissed

A title inspired by Miss. Mandy in reference to children. I had made a status on the facebook about Viktor being the greatest and more stressful thing in my life. Or maybe this was the day that he woke up at around 6am and refused to go back to sleep [but was just so darn happy to see me]... Thus said phrase came about. It's like he knows what to do to make me lose my mind. He also seems to know exactly what to do to make my heart melt when he already got me good and upset. I hate when he wakes up so much earlier than he normally does! And I can't be mad at him for it because he'll babble in his bed for awhile before he gets tired of those toys and wants rescued. And when I walk in that room he just BEAMS! No better word to describe what comes over my little man when he sees me.

Which leads me to my next point of ramblings: I have successfully created a Momma's boy. Very, very, successfully actually. Sometimes I have to stand across the room if someone else is holding him so he doesn't try to jump ship from their arms and come into mine. And this kid is roughly 22-24 lbs. He isn't that easy to carry around. He's also not a walker yet so in certain instances he does need to be carried/held. And lately he seems to prefer being in my arms than sitting/standing on the floor next to me. Which is rather frustrating when I need both my hands to make his lunch and all he wants is to be held. We're going through a very clingy phase right now. Which could be caused by a myriad of things... my most recent theory is teething. But I think he may feel a little under the weather too. Who knows? It's the downside of a child that can't talk yet. They can't tell you what's wrong or doesn't feel good so you're just left to guess. Each new phase of this kid causes me to feel like I did when I was first home alone with him. Adam back at work and family had gone home and here I was stuck to figure out what every little cry meant. It's like that now but worst. I feel like at one there are a lot more things that could be upsetting him than there were at a week or month old. He hates it when I prevent him from getting to something he wants. It brings out the terrible toddler in him. And here I thought I had about another six months to a year before dealing with full on tantrums. Nope! It's happening now. And the more he screams for the sake of screaming. The more he throws a tantrum and tries to bite to get to what he wants that I'm blocking him from, the less I want a second child. Trust and believe if this child had Adam's temperament I'd be ready for another baby in my belly by the time Vik hits 2[ish]. But as it stands he's just like his mother. Which is kinda funny and a headache/hassle in and of itself. I didn't know a one year old could have so much fight and so much ferocity!!

Now I wrap this up so I can enjoy the rest of my mental break from the screams while my child naps.

Expect the Best; Prepare for the Worst

I've had about two or three conversations now as it pertains to marriage/dating and an exit strategy/self sufficiency. The most recent one was with the boyfriend and I'm glad we appear to be in sync with the thought process.

The conversations have gone something along the lines of discussing my more recent [I'd say within the past 6 months or so] views to marriage. Not that I wouldn't marry the boyfriend today if he asked necessarily. I very much love him. But that the thought of marriage at some point has created a knot in my stomach and a feeling of 'but if I marry him I'll be trapped with him'. Which isn't at all true. I'd be no more or less "trapped" as I am now with having his kid and him supporting us while I'm the free daycare and pay on whatever utilities/groceries I can. But it's the initial response I've been having lately to marriage. Which I guess leads us into the concept of an "exit plan."

I don't exactly view it as an exit plan but as attempting to be an independent/self-sufficient woman. Yes, I realize I can only be SO independent working two part time jobs on whatever given night and staying home all day with my little guy. But my mother raised me and my siblings to be capable of taking care of ourselves. Sure, it's great to have someone that can take care of you but you just never know what the future holds and it's good to know you are capable of caring for yourself. Personally, I'm a huge fan of that lesson! Why shouldn't I and everyone else be? You just never know what the future holds.

But having an exit plan goes beyond that of just breaking up/divorcing/whatever. Now here's where I take a more morbid look at things: What happens to me and Viktor in the event that Adam dies? I mean, death is everywhere. I have lost my parents way before I should have and realize that you can't assume those you love will live forever and ever and life will be perfect. It's not like that. So what do I do if something awful happened to Adam? Well, with my mom's raising I know I'm perfectly capable of making it on my own. Hell, I've watched her figure it out! And while I know it wouldn't be easy I like to think my mom equipped me with a good mindset to go out and support just me and my son if I ever had to.

I guess I should also add that I don't allow these negative and dark thoughts to consume me. Actually, until these more recent conversations I don't have an active plan of what to do if things between Adam and I don't pan out. All I have so far is we'd be stuck living together until I got a full time job and can live independently. And that we'd share custody. In the event we both die my sister will add another kid to her group.

These people I've talked to almost seem stunned I think this way at all. That you can't go into a marriage and the like with the thought process of "what will I do when/if this doesn't work out?" But I don't think that way... I'm more concerned about unforeseen death than I am about ended relationships. That one seems more likely to me. Also, I will tackle what to do when/if things don't work out when/if it doesn't. So I guess that's where the title of the blog fits in. I prefer to say I expect for the best to happen but try to be prepared for the worst.

I feel I have typed too much while also feeling that I haven't gotten my full point across or all the thoughts I have on this topic across. Oh well. Hope it was some good food for thought anyway!

Sleep

Watching my son sleep has got to be one of my most favorite parts of parenthood. I love tip-toeing in there at nap time and especially before bed to just get a good long look at him resting peacefully. It's even cuter when his little butt is in the air or he's completely sprawled out. Ooh, or when he's got Adam's childhood stuffed animal just at his fingertips or laying partly on him. Vik definitely resembles Adam the most when he's asleep.

It's a really old photo but my pictures are not organized and it felt like a perfect place to insert a photo of my two amazing men. But even at that young an age you can see how similar they are when they sleep.

What a lame entry. One about a baby sleeping. But what do you expect? I'm home all day everyday with this little guy and when I watch him sleep my heart just swells with love for him. Can ya blame me? The kid is freaking ADORABLE!! I'm not biased at all either ;)

Now here's to hoping the boyfriend doesn't stumble across this and scold me for posting photos of him. He sure does hate it when I have a camera in my hand! Especially when he's being absolutely precious with our little boy <3 <3

The Intro Post

Well it took me an eternity but I established a blog name that fit. Seeing as this blog is about me and all kinds of aspects of my life [wow, I sound rather vain] it makes sense to name it after my little family unit!

I hope to get comfortable enough to share this with many whom I care about while still remaining completely candid. An added bonus would be if this thing is even interesting enough to check back in on.

I suppose I shall write more when it's not 11:30pm and when I didn't just have to feed my baby a snack to get him to go back to sleep. This of course did not happen until trying to let him cry it out. I don't know why we even bother with the concept when he wakes up crying so late at night. We know he's going to want to eat and he won't drink his milk laying in bed even with us standing right there! 


-Carla