Perception

I have found myself referring [mentally] to my step dad as my dad. I have spent my entire life referring to him as my step dad. It's interesting to me that at the age of 26 is when I have felt compelled to drop the 'step' in it. I know him better than my own father. He's raised me and known me longer than my own father. I mean, sure, we don't share any DNA but I think in a way that makes our love and bond stronger... 

Here is a man that has no obligation to me. Here is a man that was with my mom for ten years [from when I was 5 to 15] so he no longer is even my step dad by legal definition and wasn't my guardian when my mom passed away when I was 18. However, he's very much a part of my life and my son knows him as 'Papa'. 

I've always said 'step' in front of dad so not to confuse others about whom I was referring to when I spoke of one or the other. Although, sadly I must say, I have no connection to my biological father since he passed away when I was five and divorced my mom when I was about three. The man I have called my 'step' dad is the only father I know. And he's an incredibly strong man. We've had our ups and downs but the fact that he stood by me and supports me is a big deal. 

I also felt to call this other man my dad was disrespectful not just to my father's memory but to my father's family. I'm quite close to them and I know it hurts them to know that I don't feel connected to Mark. I have actually taken to referring to him as 'bio dad'. Which could be considered insulting since I usually only hear people use that reference when talking about a father figure that was nothing more than a sperm donor. Or in the instance where they were adopted. My parents were together for ten years or so... he wasn't a sperm donor and I wasn't given up. Feels weird. 

But I gotta say, it feels good to drop the 'step' and just call this man who raised me 'dad'. 

Forgive Me....

For I have not posted since June!!! Yikes.... In July I started a full time job and went back to school in August to get my credentials in Early Childhood so my time has been pretty tied up with that on top of all the other stuff a Mommy has to do!

Some updates:
I got engaged on Sept. 8!! While celebrating our 5 year anniversary. A surprise and a gorgeous ring. Been working on some wedding plans since.... And the Saturday following Thanksgiving I even found THE dress!!! Put it on layaway and everything. We plan on getting married in the fall, just need to find a venue. Blah!

Vik is now in daycare and doing great. His speech is blowing up and he's so so so much fun. I love it!! I really look forward to our play times together. He's enjoying school and making friends.

I also have a great Christmas planned for Adam. Pretty sure it's gonna be the best one yet for him. Now I'm just hunting down some good finds for Vik. I ordered a couple of puzzles, Cars DVD, a bag of trucks, a talking Elmo, and an Elmo book. I'm thinking I'm going to wrap some of the stuff a friend gave me [that are still in like new condition] so that he can have more to open. I think I'm also going to get him a 31" Batman. He's gonna love it!

Unfortunately, I don't have much else planned for Christmas for other family members. Oh well...

Par-tay!

Tomorrow is party day [I'll be sure to post pics later of that] and I can't believe Adam and I have been on this journey for TWO WHOLE YEARS!!! Yikes.

He's so amazing and fun. There are some days where I'm soooo bored during nap time that I can't wait until he wakes up so we can play some more. So I can hear him sing songs some more. Watch him shout out animals that he knows or have really serious conversations on his play phone. I adore it!! He's the most wonderful thing in my life. I've always loved him with everything I had to love him with but we definitely had some struggles together. He is a very strong willed, active, crazy little boy. It was hard at times. I'm so glad that we're over those humps. I know there are more to come, I'm not naive. It's just nice to have a break from it. It's also nice that when he's starting in on a tantrum we can ask if he wants to go to time out or his room and he'll sniffle/cry and say no and tries to calm down so we can work through this.

I love that he can finally communicate to me a little. We haven't reached the talk back part and we're working on getting him to say 'sorry' when he does things that hurt others which is waaaay harder than I had anticipated. But we'll get there. Now time to get some rest for tomorrow's big day!

I might be jinxing myself

So I might be jinxing myself with saying this BUT Viktor has been so much more fun lately!! We haven't had a ton of tantrums. At least not any that couldn't be easily/quickly defused. No unnecessary grumpiness. Talking more. Listening well. It's amazing!! As much as I love nap times the age he is at I sometimes am just sitting around waiting on him to wake up.

It's so fun to watch this guy grow developmentally. To do better at expressing his desires. To watch him get amped up is even more fun. Like if we're about to go to the park he throws his little hands in the air and says in a deeper loud voice 'paaaark!' He does the same thing if he's about to eat waffles or bananas. Getting him/hearing him imitate things is even more amazing.

I can't believe that practically 2 years ago I gave birth to this little man with such a huge personality! He makes me excited to play and teach and learn. He makes it worth waking up every morning. He makes me want to be a better person. He makes me care. Perhaps one day I'll print off these blog posts I made about him so he can enjoy them too. Boys are a lot different than girls though so I doubt he'll value them like I do. Or even value them like a daughter would. But I have a feeling my rough and tumble mama's boy will grow up to be an amazing man like his father. Strong and gentle. Sweet mannered but driven by goals and aspirations.

I wouldn't trade my house full of boys for anything! [now if only I had a photo of a family photo complete with our male animals too].

More birthday

I'm sure this won't be my last bday party planning post but argh! I had picked a day that I don't think will end up working out. Lame. Hope all the people who already said they'd go can still go.... Last year I reserved a shelter for Vik's birthday in DECEMBER! And now, with only a month to go I'm scrambling to find a place. I think I found a park that I like. But I need to go there to play to do a test run of sorts and see what shelter I want [that will also be available]. I also need to start collecting the type of items to have at his party as far as food and games and such.

I'm very new to this. I want the other kids to have fun too. And now that it looks like Mister Viktor's party will be on a Sunday again I'm going to have to factor in the church going crowd. Plus, give Adam's family time to commute to Greensboro. So much work. Sheesh. I'm not a good party planner. Why can't my friends who are amazing at this stuff live in NC?? *cough Marie, Eva, and Michelle! cough*

Thankfully the lovely Miss. Leah has offered up help too. I also need to come up with what kind of desert I want so Adam's mom can make it. She is the designated cake lady after all. Gotta give her some notice. Which I'm still undecided on that too. So I guess no more blogging and facebooking and time to get my butt in gear!!

Oh, and I think I'm going to start a new book series. A Song of Fire and Ice [it's the saga that Game of Thrones is based off of]. So thanks dear sister for the Amazon gift card you got me for Christmas that I barely used! Haha. I knew there was a reason I was being a hoarder.

Hopefully the next time I post I have a lot more planned for this party!! Whoo!

Birthdays

So this year has been a warm year in comparison to last. We already had a 90 degree day! This concerns me because I have a little boy turning 2 next month and we need a party spot. [Which means I'm sure I'll repost part of this into the mommy forum I'm part of to get some ideas]. I wanted to do something outside again... maybe not the same park but someplace with a good play area for kids, maybe get some water balloons and silly string for the bigger kids. Which I doubt there will be many of them... But I'm not sure who all on my guest list will be able to make it. With the party only a month away that also means I need to get some invitations mailed out! Yikes...

I was really hoping my sister was going to be able to be there but due to other stuff she won't be able to. And my brother won't be making a trip to NC at all this year [in preparation of his move to France]. So basically the only people at the party will be Adam's family and our friends. But I'm trying to arrange to see my family in July which I'm very excited about!

Well, off to research party places and poll people for some indoor party places for a 2 yr old that doesn't charge an arm and a leg. Sheesh.

Blogging

I swear one day I'll get good at it! I just don't always have things to blog about. Or what is going on isn't blog worthy or more personal than I care to throw out there. People don't need to read when the boy has upset me. Haha! Or heck, when I've upset him.

Of course as I write this I have my little munchkin trying to shove between me and the keyboard in an attempt to get my phone [that's just out of reach behind the keyboard]. His language has been blowing up lately too! Yaaay. I was really worried about him. I was wondering why he didn't seem to be talking as much as other kids. Granted, most of the kids we end up around are girls and/or have older siblings. He had a good understanding of what was asked of him so I knew it wasn't a hearing issue. But it seems he's saying a new word everyday and I couldn't be more ecstatic!!

Daddy has been out of town all weekend. He did a combo driving trip to Houston with a buddy thus leaving me and the boy from Saturday-sometime today. Hopefully earlier rather than later... Now I must depart to try and get ready to head off to coffee this morning. We'll see if I actually make it. hehe


And my favorite part of blog posts... leaving a picture of my son [a before and after shot of his hair cut]::

Valentine's Day

A day to remember to that "life's too short, so love the one you got". **music reference anyone?**

I have two great Valentine's. They are some of the cutest boys ever. Then again, I'm pretty biased. Adam and I actually celebrated our Valentine's Day last night. Even though I was an uber grump most of the day and had to take a nap to be worth being around. And even still we ended up at odds with each other, but we were able to resolve them before going out to dinner. We went to Outback and it was mighty dead. I was a fan. I really hate going out to eat on the weekends because it's always so busy. I think Friday and Saturday make for a stupid date night. Perhaps this is because I work weekends as a waitress so I know that service isn't as top notch as it would be on Tuesday. Not that it's BAD but you're drink gets refilled faster and your food usually comes out faster and with less chances for it being messed up. I mean, I'm not necessarily at my best when I'm juggling a 6 top and 4 other tables. But that has a lot to do with how much each table needs and at what point they came in. I hate it when I get a new table when I have 3 tables wanting to get their checks and pay at the exact same time and one of those tables is paying cash and the other wants to split the bill.

Tangent over. I just like having days off during the week because I can get more done. I don't have to take a day off to run business errands like some. Though I'm sure my views will change once Vik is in school and weekends are our time together. So how about we end this with a picture of Vik on his first Valentine's Day? Sounds good to me!

My son is so mechanical and I love it. I'm not sure if this is common in most toddlers or boys or what but I love that he wants to "fix" things. He just got done using a screwdriver on something i had unscrewed to get the batteries out. He loves using remotes. He even reaches up to the toaster to press buttons on it.

We barely let this kid watch TV [I figure get away with it while I can] yet he'll turn on the TV grab the remote crawl up in the recliner and try to figure out how to watch it!! **He's currently doing this as I type**
I love him. As stressed as he makes me I couldn't imagine NOT spending my days with this crazy little guy.

Him and I are about to get even MORE time together too. My time at Gap is coming to an end. The store I work at is closing and after five years I think it's time we go our separate ways. So now I'm hunting for other jobs that are more career oriented for me. I am just tired of selling clothes. It's been a good run though. So here's to hoping for something better and it not taking me a year to get it! Also, here's to hoping to turning into Suzie Homemaker in the meantime ;)

Tis the Season for....

babies and engagements!! Majority of my news feed on the facebook has become filled with news on newly engaged couples and those planning weddings, as well as people who have just had children and those who are pregnant in varying stages of pregnancy. It's enough to give a girl wedding and baby fever!

I know, I know... tends to be a common topic for me. But what can I say? They are the two forces in my life that both pull on my strings to do and scare the crap out of me! I've reached a point that I want another child. Like, for real. Though I'm not at a point where I'm ready to try for one. I don't feel comfortable with another child out of wedlock since it'd be with the same guy, ya know? I also had to go on pregnancy medicaid for Viktor and feel it's not right of me to plan the pregnancy of a second child that I don't have health coverage for thus causing me to utilize pregnancy medicaid again. I know that that is what it's there for, for people like me who can't afford health coverage. But if I can't find a way to afford health coverage and do have free birth control where is it right of me to take some more? I'd feel better having to do it again in a situation where we accidentally got pregnant. Which is how Adam seems to think all people should get pregnant. If that's his mindset I'll have to "accidentally" go off my birth control so we can "accidentally" get pregnant. Hm. Yeah...

Onto everyone getting engaged/hitched. I think this will happen for me. Hopefully it happens before Vik goes off to kindergarten. It's really my only stipulation to Adam.... I want to share the last name of my son by the time he goes to school. It just makes things easier for everyone. I must be Vik's mom because we share the same complicated last name! Adam hates the idea of a wedding. Then again, Adam hates having his picture taken and being center attention like that. My ideal wedding would literally only involve those closest to us that we couldn't imagine NOT having at our wedding. So parents, siblings, grandparents, and best friends are a must. Once it's all tallied I'd be surprised if we surpass 20 guests. And the rings I tend to like float in the price range of $500. I do agree with Adam that it's just hard to justify the money on a party when we have a son to raise.
My ideal wedding? Outdoors, in fall, in the mountains. With the people we love the most. Then a simple and nice dinner/lunch/foodage of some sort. I'm flexible on all parts but fall. Fall is my fav. season!

Now to get other stuff done before my wild little man wakes up from his nap!

Mmm, Anxiety.

I feeling very anxious. Very very anxious. This time of year does it a lot to me and I never mean for it to get so much power. It's just a day. It's a day that shouldn't matter. It's a day that does matter. Sunday marks 7 years of losing my mom. The most amazing woman I ever had the honor of knowing. A mom I often reference to as the "Mercedes Benz of mom's." I feel blessed to have gotten the one I did. I get very upset that I lost her as early as I did.

Along with the sadness that just seems to creep up on me during this season I also get depressed and anxious about other aspects of my life. Mostly those I care about. I'm convinced they don't care like I care. That I'm not ranked as high on their priority list as I seem to rank them. I feel easily blown off. I'm convinced that others find me to be a hassle, annoying, and repetitive. It's not a good feeling. Then I'm forced to remind myself that this is NOT the case. These people are my friends and family. They do not view me as a nuisance. They aren't trying to hurt my feelings by whatever it is that happened that triggered me. These are things that deeply affect me.

It's a lot of work convincing yourself the opposite of what you believe is happening. It's difficult feeling under/not appreciated. It's difficult spending days stuck in a house with only a 1.5 yr old to talk to because everyone else is working or too busy.

I think what I hate the most about these moods is the ease in which I cry. It's annoying. Having everything get you worked up is exhausting. I have no idea how the hell to fix it. I'm not like this all the time. I don't feel these things when I'm around another person [usually]. I just want it to stop.... It's way too exhausting feeling so uptight all the time and not knowing how to shake off this funk.

New Year's Resolution

So it's been awhile. The holidays have come and gone. We had a GREAT Christmas in Ohio with little man and he made out big time with cool things. Even almost scored a killer train table but couldn't find the necessary tools to disassemble it. So here's to hoping my dearest and most amazing sister visits me this summer and brings it!! Perhaps I shall bribe her with shopping? hehe.

I also have been banging out my driving school today for the speeding ticket I got a couple months ago. I'm an idiot. I learned my lesson. My wallet hates me for it. But at least I can do this class online instead of going to an actual class for 8 hrs on a Saturday which would mean arranging a baby sitter and probably cost more than this online thing.

Now to the actual topic of my post!
I know it's late but I finally came upon a New Year's Resolution. Which is odd since I normally could care less about them because nobody ever actually sticks to them. But it's time for a change in how I run my household day to day. Normally the thought of doing basic chores on a daily basis makes me crazy. I didn't realize how much I hated them until I was the SAHM working part time in the evenings. They suck. I'm a clutterbug. Now my house is never filthy but it's never truly clean. You will find trash throughout my home in the form of a paper towel, receipt, candy wrapper, water bottle, etc. You will find messes piled high of things that just need sorted/organized/and a home. When Adam and I get bitten by the cleaning bug we can straighten up our house pretty nice and quick too but it doesn't happen as often as it should.
So my goal is to start keeping a better house! With that said, I am going to start keeping an actual calendar to stick to of events on how to spend our day [our being me and Vik]. Like wake up, breakfast, story time, music time, mom showers while vik eats a snack and watches some sesame street, and so on throughout our day. I often feel like he's not getting enough of me because I want to read my Kindle or just check one thing online real quick [which never is quick]. I also think I'm an internet junky so I guess in trying to find a schedule and balance in keeping my home tidy and my son amused I'm trying to avoid being on the internet so much. Heck, I should just start shutting it down during the day and only allow myself on after bedtime. That would ensure my success with everything else!
But easier said than done. Considering we are currently a one car family that means I'm often here all day everyday without a way to leave [unless I plan something in advance]. I can't just make impromptu lunch plans with a friend unless we make them at a time that I can get Adam to drop off the car seat or they have an extra one. It means that if I get inspired to make something for dinner I can't just take a quick trip to the store. Kinda makes a girl stir crazy. I know I have a few people that don't mind helping me run errands or whatever or just coming over for some company. But I just want freedom to come and go with Vik as I please. Without having to make arrangements. So I spend my time on the internet to stay connected and occupied and feel like a grown up. But we'll be getting a second car with our tax return. And I need to refocus myself and my day to day functions.

Though I do hope to actually update this more often. I really enjoy writing out my thoughts. Maybe I should offer up to write some for Triad Mommies. That would help give me something to do during my days that's more productive.

I need to regain control of my life and my family. The end. Now enjoy a couple photos of my adorable son: