Toddler Time!

Toddler. It's so weird to call my baby that. It feels too big for my little man that I incubated for 9 months. The little guy that I just had to know what time it was to know to feed him, and sometimes guessing how much food to give him. He's fast approaching a year and a half and find's a bag of snacks to hand me to let me know "hey Ma, open these! I'm hungry." He finds whatever sippy cup he has laying around the house to satiate his thirst. He let's me know when he is ready for snuggles and when he's ready for play. Before I just guessed at it. There doesn't seem to be so much guessing anymore.

I just can't get over how grown my little guy is! How much more independent he is. How much more of a handful he is! But I love it. As stressed out as I get being his mom is a pretty rad gig that I've been blessed with. And now to end this with a family photo so that I may rescue him from his bed... apparently mommy thought he needed a nap and he has decided otherwise. 

This was almost a FB post....

...then I realized I don't feel like getting the comments I'm positive will follow. So here goes:

I never think about nor really want marriage... until I look at someone else's wedding/engagement photos. Then the girl in me comes out and goes "awww, I really want that!" When I then analyze the expense of a wedding paired with my frugality and lack of anyone other than the boyfriend and myself to pay for it, I'm less interested in such things.

And really, what Adam and I are currently is basically a married couple. I like that feeling. I don't think being married is dictated by paper but a mindset. For some reason though it always makes me uncomfortable to think of being bound to another person by law. Makes me all itchy and antsy and not want it.
With that said, I do want the respect that comes from being married and having a child with the person. I get that we're doing it all backwards... I also get that I shouldn't care what other's think... But you'd be lying to yourself if the idea of being able to refer to the father [or mother] of your child as your spouse doesn't make you feel better. I don't want people to pass judgement on me using the term boyfriend when referencing the man I procreated with. He's so much more to me than that word represents! I mean, it's not like anyone is noticeably judging me for not being married [or at least engaged] to the man I had a child with but referring to him as a boyfriend doesn't feel right to me. So sometimes I just refer to him as dad in whatever format works in talking about my son. I.e. "his daddy is great with him!" Seems to work out just fine.

I just want the respect of marriage without having to do it. Perhaps I'll just legally change my last name and wear a simple band or pretty ring on that finger. Let people think what they will! My grandma can get solace in thinking we're married... I can refer to him as hubby [like I sometimes slip up and do anyway] but I don't feel "stuck". So I get my sense of appreciation from others for "marrying" the father of my child without actually doing it.

Of course, I won't actually do this... And I feel silly for caring so much about what stigma people are attaching to me. But it's my thing to work on and whatever solution is best for me will happen. Thanks for reading my ramblings!

Confession...

I think I want a second child. Now don't get all excited, because I don't want said second child for a little while. But how can I not want to duplicate my adorable, and silly, little man?
Since having Viktor I always said he was the only one I was having. That he was all I could handle! And he's a handful. He strikes me as the child that will [when able] climb a tree just so that he may jump out of it. This thought doesn't excite me. It makes me dread future ER visits. But he may prove me wrong... who knows... it's just a feeling I have. And how will I literally catch him when he makes his leap of faith while holding a baby that needs me?

However, I also feel I would be doing my son a great injustice to NOT give him a sibling. My brother and sister are all I have! I mean, I have my step dad too. Who is very much family! So you better dare not downplay his role in my life. But there are only two people in the whole world who know what I've been through and how it feels to go through it. Name me another two people who've suffered the EXACT losses I did... I bet you can't. It's not terribly common to have both of your parents pass away due to their own, ignored, mental health issues. Yeah.

I digress.... I feel my son needs a sibling. I'd rather just have another little boy. I love boys! Haha. I'm the only female in the house, though I think one of the cats is a girl too. I'm surrounded by guys all day everyday. I prefer this. I'm concerned I'm not girly enough to have a daughter. If I found out I was pregnant with a girl in the future I think that would be the day I would try to start doing my hair and make up more often. I would probably subscribe to some fashion magazines so I can learn more and pair these efforts with more communication with my sister [as if I don't talk to her enough as it is...]. I want my son to have someone to grow up with that understands how his parents are. To bounce ideas off of. To have present in their lives when me and his father no longer is. We live too far/don't see Viktor's cousins often enough. And the one that does live in-state is 8! I mean, what does an 8 yr old have in common with a 1.5 yr old? Not much.... Though they do really like each other, it looks like it may be awhile before any serious bond forms.

Like I said, don't get all giddy excited by this confession. Or even ask me much about it... This is something I'd like for Viktor and it's going to be awhile before I get my ducks in a row to add another child to our family unit. Assuming the time is ever right to add on! But I have to do what's best for the family I currently have before adding more people to the mix.