Are you there Mom? It's me, Carla

Yes. I totally ripped that off of Judy Blume. What of it?

I've been having a lot of ups and downs lately. I'm not a fan of this fluctuation in moods nor do I know how to fix it. I'm sure some good 'ol counseling would help... perhaps some low dose meds... but those things don't come easy to the uninsured. And quite frankly, I'm exhausted at finding/researching how to get things I need [health wise] when I have no extra income for it. I've found a few solutions which usually involves paperwork and devoting a good chunk of my day to get the help. But hey, at least it's an option!

I just hate not having my mom around. I hate even more that there aren't people around me that get it. Well, my sister does but are circumstances are still slightly different so the emotions are as well. Sometimes I think it may be harder on her in some ways because her older two have a vague [if any at all by this point] memory of "Grandma Ruthie" while the youngest didn't even exist yet. But I guess at least mom got to see at least one of her children get married. See one of her children pregnant and meet her first granddaughter and grandson. There's this simply amazing photo of my mom holding my niece [this was within her first week or so of life when my mom went to go help my sister at home with her first babe]. They are standing near the backdoor at my sister's house and my mom had just turned at the camera when the pic was taken. The lighting isn't great which is why I think I love this photo so much. Shame it's in my sister's possession so I can't upload it for everyone else to enjoy :)

It just bums me out that my mom didn't get a chance to meet the man I love so dearly now. She missed out on my college graduation too. Oh, and me being pregnant and meeting my precious son. My sister had to fulfill my mom's promise to me. She had promised that she would do for me what she did for my sis... come and stay with me for a week whenever I had my first child and help me out. Obviously this was a promise she couldn't make good on. My sister, being the amazing person that she is, stepped into that "mom" role for me. You'd think our relationship would be more complex than it is. I mean, she's not just my older sister but she's sometimes my mother figure. I guess you'll have that when there's a 9 yr age gap... But the way that we fluctuate between which of those roles needs fulfilled in my life seems to be completely effortless. It's like she just knows I need her to be a mom to me for a moment. Or she knows I need my big sister to confide in or be silly in. I'm grateful to have her... I'm angry my mom isn't the one here fulfilling her role.

What I really hate hearing after sharing how sad I currently feel or have been feeling about my mom is when people try to make me feel better by pointing out that she's not really gone and she's watching over me. I don't [pardon the language] give a fuck. I don't. I could careless what it is my mom is doing while dead. Is she here? Is she helping me figure out how to raise my son? Has she ever met my son? Let me help you on this one... the answers are nope, nope, and nope! She is of no use to me dead. My kid won't give a shit who she is. He'll only care because I care.... and that's it. Think about it, do you care about your dead relative that you never met? Probably not much. You can't love someone you've never met. It's impossible... don't argue that point with me. Now I'm sure other people find it refreshing and nice to hear how their deceased loved one's are still there and what not. I'm not one of those people. It make me angry. It makes me hate religion. I know I'll always carry a part of my mom... I share half of her DNA. I am fully aware of her love for me and how much she would've loved the two main guys in my life. But her presence is not something I get to enjoy anymore. And I hate that she will never meet Adam because he's been so great and I know they'd really get along. But it was hard NOT to get along with my mom [at least most of the time]. What can I say? I feel I had the Mercedes Benz of mom's! It's just a shame that it got repo-ed...

Titles

I was reading my mom's forum when someone posed a dilemma in what to refer to someone who is not married into the family [there was more to it than that but I'm paraphrasing]. It really made me start thinking how many g-rents my kid has and how confusing it all is going to be! How am I going to explain to him that Daddy has both a mom and a dad and an extra dad and a kind of extra mom [his dad has been dating the same woman forever but won't get hitched again] but Mommy doesn't have a mom or a dad but has a step dad. Then there's the great grandparents. Unlike Adam my step dad was around basically my entire life so I have a closeness with his family that Adam doesn't quite have with his new step family. Granted, he did have a step family prior to this one and I didn't so that may make a slight difference. Who knows? I digress...
So not only is there grandpa [or whatever my kid comes up to my call my step dad] but there's a great grandma on my mom's side, a great grandma on my dad's side, and a great grandma and grandpa in my step dad's family. That's 5 in my family. Now on to Adam's: Nana, Papa Rick, grandpa [Adam's dad], then his great grandpa on his mom's side and two great grandparents on his dad's side. So we have 6 in Adam's family so all together Vik will have 11 people in his life to refer to as a grandparent in some sense of the word. Sheesh. That's a lot of people! Way to go blended families.

I gotta say though... the idea of explaining it all doesn't thrill me. I want my son to call my step dad something along the lines of grandpa. Even though everyone [including my sister's kids] call him by his first name. And I absolutely detest the thought of explaining my lack of parents and Adam's surplus of them. If it weren't for the fact that I think it would confuse people or would be just disrespectful to my biological father and his family I would just refer to my step dad as my dad. But alas, since I never called him that and was never pressed to call him that it'd just feel weird to do it now at 25. Besides, I think being a step dad and referred to as such with extreme fondness is almost better than being someone's biological parent. Sure the bond and love is different but nothing expresses true, deep, sincere, love better than acting as a parent when you have no obligation to do so. It amazes me that he was able to step into our lives and act as a father without over stepping boundaries of our actual father. It amazes me even more that he stayed involved in our lives even after our mom passed. This man has no blood or legal obligation to us but he treats us as his own. That is just incredible. It's nice to know that I still have a parent...

Happily Pissed

A title inspired by Miss. Mandy in reference to children. I had made a status on the facebook about Viktor being the greatest and more stressful thing in my life. Or maybe this was the day that he woke up at around 6am and refused to go back to sleep [but was just so darn happy to see me]... Thus said phrase came about. It's like he knows what to do to make me lose my mind. He also seems to know exactly what to do to make my heart melt when he already got me good and upset. I hate when he wakes up so much earlier than he normally does! And I can't be mad at him for it because he'll babble in his bed for awhile before he gets tired of those toys and wants rescued. And when I walk in that room he just BEAMS! No better word to describe what comes over my little man when he sees me.

Which leads me to my next point of ramblings: I have successfully created a Momma's boy. Very, very, successfully actually. Sometimes I have to stand across the room if someone else is holding him so he doesn't try to jump ship from their arms and come into mine. And this kid is roughly 22-24 lbs. He isn't that easy to carry around. He's also not a walker yet so in certain instances he does need to be carried/held. And lately he seems to prefer being in my arms than sitting/standing on the floor next to me. Which is rather frustrating when I need both my hands to make his lunch and all he wants is to be held. We're going through a very clingy phase right now. Which could be caused by a myriad of things... my most recent theory is teething. But I think he may feel a little under the weather too. Who knows? It's the downside of a child that can't talk yet. They can't tell you what's wrong or doesn't feel good so you're just left to guess. Each new phase of this kid causes me to feel like I did when I was first home alone with him. Adam back at work and family had gone home and here I was stuck to figure out what every little cry meant. It's like that now but worst. I feel like at one there are a lot more things that could be upsetting him than there were at a week or month old. He hates it when I prevent him from getting to something he wants. It brings out the terrible toddler in him. And here I thought I had about another six months to a year before dealing with full on tantrums. Nope! It's happening now. And the more he screams for the sake of screaming. The more he throws a tantrum and tries to bite to get to what he wants that I'm blocking him from, the less I want a second child. Trust and believe if this child had Adam's temperament I'd be ready for another baby in my belly by the time Vik hits 2[ish]. But as it stands he's just like his mother. Which is kinda funny and a headache/hassle in and of itself. I didn't know a one year old could have so much fight and so much ferocity!!

Now I wrap this up so I can enjoy the rest of my mental break from the screams while my child naps.