Step families

Step families can be an amazing thing. I know this isn't the case for everybody [sorry if that happens to be you] but I would be completely and utterly lost without mine!

The only dad I have ever truly gotten to know was my step dad. As I've discussed in a previous post I lost my father at the age of 5 which is also when this great guy entered my mom's life, and obviously ours. *side note: my mom and dad divorced when i was 3 so less weird that i lose one dad and start the process of gaining another in the same year*

Bob has always been embracing of us. Not only has Bob always accepted us but his family treated us as their own pretty much immediately. It's unfortunate my mom and step dad divorced when I was 15 but everything happens for a reason. I disconnected from this father figure during the time of divorce and the couple of years following. My mom kept him up to date on me after I moved away for college but him and I didn't. After the passing of my mom we reconnected. I still remember making that phone call to him [vividly] telling him the news of my mom. He was at her house to be with my brother as soon as we hung up the phone and I'm so grateful for him.

A step family relationship to me has the potential to run just as deep if not deeper than a blood relationship. I have so much love for this extended family that anybody who hasn't experienced can't possibly understand. It's very different than the obligatory love you have with blood family. And there's an extra set of overwhelming fullness knowing that those people are involved in your life not because of familial obligation, but because they truly care and love you without all that extra stuff. My step family has absolutely no obligation to me or my siblings. My mother wasn't even married to the family when she passed. Which is usually when most ties of communication in a step family get cut off. Not in mine.

I would call my Grandma in that family while pregnant often to talk and ask questions. I was having a hard time connecting with other family members during that time. One's that were blood related to me but I felt were putting unnecessary pressures on me to do certain things with my life. I am so thankful to have had that family to turn to in those moments. A family that has never passed judgement on me even if I was doing something or living my life a way that I'm sure I would have done differently. I was never criticized. Only loved and encouraged.

My step father will be Viktor's "papa" or "grandpa" and I'm so thankful they each have that. My step father will be the man that gives me away when I get married. No relationship is perfect but I sure did get lucky to have someone that cares so much for me in my corner to support me and let me cry to him when life gets stressful or other's hurt my feelings.

Sorry for the rambling sappiness... An invitation in the mail from Bob's parents to their anniversary party sparked it. They added a little note to Vik and saying they were aware we couldn't make it but just wanted us to feel included. So now I'm working hard trying to come up with a gift to surprise them with that's sweet and sentimental since we can't be there.

Perception

I have found myself referring [mentally] to my step dad as my dad. I have spent my entire life referring to him as my step dad. It's interesting to me that at the age of 26 is when I have felt compelled to drop the 'step' in it. I know him better than my own father. He's raised me and known me longer than my own father. I mean, sure, we don't share any DNA but I think in a way that makes our love and bond stronger... 

Here is a man that has no obligation to me. Here is a man that was with my mom for ten years [from when I was 5 to 15] so he no longer is even my step dad by legal definition and wasn't my guardian when my mom passed away when I was 18. However, he's very much a part of my life and my son knows him as 'Papa'. 

I've always said 'step' in front of dad so not to confuse others about whom I was referring to when I spoke of one or the other. Although, sadly I must say, I have no connection to my biological father since he passed away when I was five and divorced my mom when I was about three. The man I have called my 'step' dad is the only father I know. And he's an incredibly strong man. We've had our ups and downs but the fact that he stood by me and supports me is a big deal. 

I also felt to call this other man my dad was disrespectful not just to my father's memory but to my father's family. I'm quite close to them and I know it hurts them to know that I don't feel connected to Mark. I have actually taken to referring to him as 'bio dad'. Which could be considered insulting since I usually only hear people use that reference when talking about a father figure that was nothing more than a sperm donor. Or in the instance where they were adopted. My parents were together for ten years or so... he wasn't a sperm donor and I wasn't given up. Feels weird. 

But I gotta say, it feels good to drop the 'step' and just call this man who raised me 'dad'. 

Forgive Me....

For I have not posted since June!!! Yikes.... In July I started a full time job and went back to school in August to get my credentials in Early Childhood so my time has been pretty tied up with that on top of all the other stuff a Mommy has to do!

Some updates:
I got engaged on Sept. 8!! While celebrating our 5 year anniversary. A surprise and a gorgeous ring. Been working on some wedding plans since.... And the Saturday following Thanksgiving I even found THE dress!!! Put it on layaway and everything. We plan on getting married in the fall, just need to find a venue. Blah!

Vik is now in daycare and doing great. His speech is blowing up and he's so so so much fun. I love it!! I really look forward to our play times together. He's enjoying school and making friends.

I also have a great Christmas planned for Adam. Pretty sure it's gonna be the best one yet for him. Now I'm just hunting down some good finds for Vik. I ordered a couple of puzzles, Cars DVD, a bag of trucks, a talking Elmo, and an Elmo book. I'm thinking I'm going to wrap some of the stuff a friend gave me [that are still in like new condition] so that he can have more to open. I think I'm also going to get him a 31" Batman. He's gonna love it!

Unfortunately, I don't have much else planned for Christmas for other family members. Oh well...

Par-tay!

Tomorrow is party day [I'll be sure to post pics later of that] and I can't believe Adam and I have been on this journey for TWO WHOLE YEARS!!! Yikes.

He's so amazing and fun. There are some days where I'm soooo bored during nap time that I can't wait until he wakes up so we can play some more. So I can hear him sing songs some more. Watch him shout out animals that he knows or have really serious conversations on his play phone. I adore it!! He's the most wonderful thing in my life. I've always loved him with everything I had to love him with but we definitely had some struggles together. He is a very strong willed, active, crazy little boy. It was hard at times. I'm so glad that we're over those humps. I know there are more to come, I'm not naive. It's just nice to have a break from it. It's also nice that when he's starting in on a tantrum we can ask if he wants to go to time out or his room and he'll sniffle/cry and say no and tries to calm down so we can work through this.

I love that he can finally communicate to me a little. We haven't reached the talk back part and we're working on getting him to say 'sorry' when he does things that hurt others which is waaaay harder than I had anticipated. But we'll get there. Now time to get some rest for tomorrow's big day!

I might be jinxing myself

So I might be jinxing myself with saying this BUT Viktor has been so much more fun lately!! We haven't had a ton of tantrums. At least not any that couldn't be easily/quickly defused. No unnecessary grumpiness. Talking more. Listening well. It's amazing!! As much as I love nap times the age he is at I sometimes am just sitting around waiting on him to wake up.

It's so fun to watch this guy grow developmentally. To do better at expressing his desires. To watch him get amped up is even more fun. Like if we're about to go to the park he throws his little hands in the air and says in a deeper loud voice 'paaaark!' He does the same thing if he's about to eat waffles or bananas. Getting him/hearing him imitate things is even more amazing.

I can't believe that practically 2 years ago I gave birth to this little man with such a huge personality! He makes me excited to play and teach and learn. He makes it worth waking up every morning. He makes me want to be a better person. He makes me care. Perhaps one day I'll print off these blog posts I made about him so he can enjoy them too. Boys are a lot different than girls though so I doubt he'll value them like I do. Or even value them like a daughter would. But I have a feeling my rough and tumble mama's boy will grow up to be an amazing man like his father. Strong and gentle. Sweet mannered but driven by goals and aspirations.

I wouldn't trade my house full of boys for anything! [now if only I had a photo of a family photo complete with our male animals too].

More birthday

I'm sure this won't be my last bday party planning post but argh! I had picked a day that I don't think will end up working out. Lame. Hope all the people who already said they'd go can still go.... Last year I reserved a shelter for Vik's birthday in DECEMBER! And now, with only a month to go I'm scrambling to find a place. I think I found a park that I like. But I need to go there to play to do a test run of sorts and see what shelter I want [that will also be available]. I also need to start collecting the type of items to have at his party as far as food and games and such.

I'm very new to this. I want the other kids to have fun too. And now that it looks like Mister Viktor's party will be on a Sunday again I'm going to have to factor in the church going crowd. Plus, give Adam's family time to commute to Greensboro. So much work. Sheesh. I'm not a good party planner. Why can't my friends who are amazing at this stuff live in NC?? *cough Marie, Eva, and Michelle! cough*

Thankfully the lovely Miss. Leah has offered up help too. I also need to come up with what kind of desert I want so Adam's mom can make it. She is the designated cake lady after all. Gotta give her some notice. Which I'm still undecided on that too. So I guess no more blogging and facebooking and time to get my butt in gear!!

Oh, and I think I'm going to start a new book series. A Song of Fire and Ice [it's the saga that Game of Thrones is based off of]. So thanks dear sister for the Amazon gift card you got me for Christmas that I barely used! Haha. I knew there was a reason I was being a hoarder.

Hopefully the next time I post I have a lot more planned for this party!! Whoo!

Birthdays

So this year has been a warm year in comparison to last. We already had a 90 degree day! This concerns me because I have a little boy turning 2 next month and we need a party spot. [Which means I'm sure I'll repost part of this into the mommy forum I'm part of to get some ideas]. I wanted to do something outside again... maybe not the same park but someplace with a good play area for kids, maybe get some water balloons and silly string for the bigger kids. Which I doubt there will be many of them... But I'm not sure who all on my guest list will be able to make it. With the party only a month away that also means I need to get some invitations mailed out! Yikes...

I was really hoping my sister was going to be able to be there but due to other stuff she won't be able to. And my brother won't be making a trip to NC at all this year [in preparation of his move to France]. So basically the only people at the party will be Adam's family and our friends. But I'm trying to arrange to see my family in July which I'm very excited about!

Well, off to research party places and poll people for some indoor party places for a 2 yr old that doesn't charge an arm and a leg. Sheesh.

Blogging

I swear one day I'll get good at it! I just don't always have things to blog about. Or what is going on isn't blog worthy or more personal than I care to throw out there. People don't need to read when the boy has upset me. Haha! Or heck, when I've upset him.

Of course as I write this I have my little munchkin trying to shove between me and the keyboard in an attempt to get my phone [that's just out of reach behind the keyboard]. His language has been blowing up lately too! Yaaay. I was really worried about him. I was wondering why he didn't seem to be talking as much as other kids. Granted, most of the kids we end up around are girls and/or have older siblings. He had a good understanding of what was asked of him so I knew it wasn't a hearing issue. But it seems he's saying a new word everyday and I couldn't be more ecstatic!!

Daddy has been out of town all weekend. He did a combo driving trip to Houston with a buddy thus leaving me and the boy from Saturday-sometime today. Hopefully earlier rather than later... Now I must depart to try and get ready to head off to coffee this morning. We'll see if I actually make it. hehe


And my favorite part of blog posts... leaving a picture of my son [a before and after shot of his hair cut]::

Valentine's Day

A day to remember to that "life's too short, so love the one you got". **music reference anyone?**

I have two great Valentine's. They are some of the cutest boys ever. Then again, I'm pretty biased. Adam and I actually celebrated our Valentine's Day last night. Even though I was an uber grump most of the day and had to take a nap to be worth being around. And even still we ended up at odds with each other, but we were able to resolve them before going out to dinner. We went to Outback and it was mighty dead. I was a fan. I really hate going out to eat on the weekends because it's always so busy. I think Friday and Saturday make for a stupid date night. Perhaps this is because I work weekends as a waitress so I know that service isn't as top notch as it would be on Tuesday. Not that it's BAD but you're drink gets refilled faster and your food usually comes out faster and with less chances for it being messed up. I mean, I'm not necessarily at my best when I'm juggling a 6 top and 4 other tables. But that has a lot to do with how much each table needs and at what point they came in. I hate it when I get a new table when I have 3 tables wanting to get their checks and pay at the exact same time and one of those tables is paying cash and the other wants to split the bill.

Tangent over. I just like having days off during the week because I can get more done. I don't have to take a day off to run business errands like some. Though I'm sure my views will change once Vik is in school and weekends are our time together. So how about we end this with a picture of Vik on his first Valentine's Day? Sounds good to me!

My son is so mechanical and I love it. I'm not sure if this is common in most toddlers or boys or what but I love that he wants to "fix" things. He just got done using a screwdriver on something i had unscrewed to get the batteries out. He loves using remotes. He even reaches up to the toaster to press buttons on it.

We barely let this kid watch TV [I figure get away with it while I can] yet he'll turn on the TV grab the remote crawl up in the recliner and try to figure out how to watch it!! **He's currently doing this as I type**
I love him. As stressed as he makes me I couldn't imagine NOT spending my days with this crazy little guy.

Him and I are about to get even MORE time together too. My time at Gap is coming to an end. The store I work at is closing and after five years I think it's time we go our separate ways. So now I'm hunting for other jobs that are more career oriented for me. I am just tired of selling clothes. It's been a good run though. So here's to hoping for something better and it not taking me a year to get it! Also, here's to hoping to turning into Suzie Homemaker in the meantime ;)

Tis the Season for....

babies and engagements!! Majority of my news feed on the facebook has become filled with news on newly engaged couples and those planning weddings, as well as people who have just had children and those who are pregnant in varying stages of pregnancy. It's enough to give a girl wedding and baby fever!

I know, I know... tends to be a common topic for me. But what can I say? They are the two forces in my life that both pull on my strings to do and scare the crap out of me! I've reached a point that I want another child. Like, for real. Though I'm not at a point where I'm ready to try for one. I don't feel comfortable with another child out of wedlock since it'd be with the same guy, ya know? I also had to go on pregnancy medicaid for Viktor and feel it's not right of me to plan the pregnancy of a second child that I don't have health coverage for thus causing me to utilize pregnancy medicaid again. I know that that is what it's there for, for people like me who can't afford health coverage. But if I can't find a way to afford health coverage and do have free birth control where is it right of me to take some more? I'd feel better having to do it again in a situation where we accidentally got pregnant. Which is how Adam seems to think all people should get pregnant. If that's his mindset I'll have to "accidentally" go off my birth control so we can "accidentally" get pregnant. Hm. Yeah...

Onto everyone getting engaged/hitched. I think this will happen for me. Hopefully it happens before Vik goes off to kindergarten. It's really my only stipulation to Adam.... I want to share the last name of my son by the time he goes to school. It just makes things easier for everyone. I must be Vik's mom because we share the same complicated last name! Adam hates the idea of a wedding. Then again, Adam hates having his picture taken and being center attention like that. My ideal wedding would literally only involve those closest to us that we couldn't imagine NOT having at our wedding. So parents, siblings, grandparents, and best friends are a must. Once it's all tallied I'd be surprised if we surpass 20 guests. And the rings I tend to like float in the price range of $500. I do agree with Adam that it's just hard to justify the money on a party when we have a son to raise.
My ideal wedding? Outdoors, in fall, in the mountains. With the people we love the most. Then a simple and nice dinner/lunch/foodage of some sort. I'm flexible on all parts but fall. Fall is my fav. season!

Now to get other stuff done before my wild little man wakes up from his nap!

Mmm, Anxiety.

I feeling very anxious. Very very anxious. This time of year does it a lot to me and I never mean for it to get so much power. It's just a day. It's a day that shouldn't matter. It's a day that does matter. Sunday marks 7 years of losing my mom. The most amazing woman I ever had the honor of knowing. A mom I often reference to as the "Mercedes Benz of mom's." I feel blessed to have gotten the one I did. I get very upset that I lost her as early as I did.

Along with the sadness that just seems to creep up on me during this season I also get depressed and anxious about other aspects of my life. Mostly those I care about. I'm convinced they don't care like I care. That I'm not ranked as high on their priority list as I seem to rank them. I feel easily blown off. I'm convinced that others find me to be a hassle, annoying, and repetitive. It's not a good feeling. Then I'm forced to remind myself that this is NOT the case. These people are my friends and family. They do not view me as a nuisance. They aren't trying to hurt my feelings by whatever it is that happened that triggered me. These are things that deeply affect me.

It's a lot of work convincing yourself the opposite of what you believe is happening. It's difficult feeling under/not appreciated. It's difficult spending days stuck in a house with only a 1.5 yr old to talk to because everyone else is working or too busy.

I think what I hate the most about these moods is the ease in which I cry. It's annoying. Having everything get you worked up is exhausting. I have no idea how the hell to fix it. I'm not like this all the time. I don't feel these things when I'm around another person [usually]. I just want it to stop.... It's way too exhausting feeling so uptight all the time and not knowing how to shake off this funk.

New Year's Resolution

So it's been awhile. The holidays have come and gone. We had a GREAT Christmas in Ohio with little man and he made out big time with cool things. Even almost scored a killer train table but couldn't find the necessary tools to disassemble it. So here's to hoping my dearest and most amazing sister visits me this summer and brings it!! Perhaps I shall bribe her with shopping? hehe.

I also have been banging out my driving school today for the speeding ticket I got a couple months ago. I'm an idiot. I learned my lesson. My wallet hates me for it. But at least I can do this class online instead of going to an actual class for 8 hrs on a Saturday which would mean arranging a baby sitter and probably cost more than this online thing.

Now to the actual topic of my post!
I know it's late but I finally came upon a New Year's Resolution. Which is odd since I normally could care less about them because nobody ever actually sticks to them. But it's time for a change in how I run my household day to day. Normally the thought of doing basic chores on a daily basis makes me crazy. I didn't realize how much I hated them until I was the SAHM working part time in the evenings. They suck. I'm a clutterbug. Now my house is never filthy but it's never truly clean. You will find trash throughout my home in the form of a paper towel, receipt, candy wrapper, water bottle, etc. You will find messes piled high of things that just need sorted/organized/and a home. When Adam and I get bitten by the cleaning bug we can straighten up our house pretty nice and quick too but it doesn't happen as often as it should.
So my goal is to start keeping a better house! With that said, I am going to start keeping an actual calendar to stick to of events on how to spend our day [our being me and Vik]. Like wake up, breakfast, story time, music time, mom showers while vik eats a snack and watches some sesame street, and so on throughout our day. I often feel like he's not getting enough of me because I want to read my Kindle or just check one thing online real quick [which never is quick]. I also think I'm an internet junky so I guess in trying to find a schedule and balance in keeping my home tidy and my son amused I'm trying to avoid being on the internet so much. Heck, I should just start shutting it down during the day and only allow myself on after bedtime. That would ensure my success with everything else!
But easier said than done. Considering we are currently a one car family that means I'm often here all day everyday without a way to leave [unless I plan something in advance]. I can't just make impromptu lunch plans with a friend unless we make them at a time that I can get Adam to drop off the car seat or they have an extra one. It means that if I get inspired to make something for dinner I can't just take a quick trip to the store. Kinda makes a girl stir crazy. I know I have a few people that don't mind helping me run errands or whatever or just coming over for some company. But I just want freedom to come and go with Vik as I please. Without having to make arrangements. So I spend my time on the internet to stay connected and occupied and feel like a grown up. But we'll be getting a second car with our tax return. And I need to refocus myself and my day to day functions.

Though I do hope to actually update this more often. I really enjoy writing out my thoughts. Maybe I should offer up to write some for Triad Mommies. That would help give me something to do during my days that's more productive.

I need to regain control of my life and my family. The end. Now enjoy a couple photos of my adorable son:

Er, it's been awhile... Oops!

I try to be regular posting on here. I also try to get to bed at a normal time [both seem to never happen].

I'm thinking Mr. Viktor needs a haircut. However, I'm VERY torn about this decision. He already looks and acts too grown for my liking. People weren't kidding when they told me how fast kids grow!! Sheesh... But his hair is in his eyes and I'm constantly pushing them aside. He also ends up with all kinds of foods in his hair. This especially frustrates me when I just gave him a bath and then he eats something that seems to love to be pulled through hair and make it looks greasy. So awesome. Such a waste of a bath. I'm also tired of people confusing my little BOY for a little GIRL when they just glance and don't take in that he is wearing a red football t-shirt and jeans. He is not wearing a dress or anything even remotely feminine.

I've always had a problem with defaulting young babies to boys when left with no other cues to the sex of the baby. Therefore, I'm very aware and try to dress my son in things that would be associated with a boy. Then again, I've heard about women who have decked out their daughters in pink and still got them called boys. Some people...


I guess calling Vik a girl is a strange sort of compliment [though frustrating]. I mean, by being called a girl the person is probably just thinking "oh, what a pretty baby" and pretty = girl. So thanks for compliment on my adorable child! heh.

And it's 12:31 am. I have work and stuff to accomplish tomorrow. Blech. I want a true lazy day soon!! I guess I'll get one on my "vacation" to Ohio. Which really means driving around and hoping my son isn't a grump butt for all the traveling.

Until next time folks. Gnight

Toddler Time!

Toddler. It's so weird to call my baby that. It feels too big for my little man that I incubated for 9 months. The little guy that I just had to know what time it was to know to feed him, and sometimes guessing how much food to give him. He's fast approaching a year and a half and find's a bag of snacks to hand me to let me know "hey Ma, open these! I'm hungry." He finds whatever sippy cup he has laying around the house to satiate his thirst. He let's me know when he is ready for snuggles and when he's ready for play. Before I just guessed at it. There doesn't seem to be so much guessing anymore.

I just can't get over how grown my little guy is! How much more independent he is. How much more of a handful he is! But I love it. As stressed out as I get being his mom is a pretty rad gig that I've been blessed with. And now to end this with a family photo so that I may rescue him from his bed... apparently mommy thought he needed a nap and he has decided otherwise. 

This was almost a FB post....

...then I realized I don't feel like getting the comments I'm positive will follow. So here goes:

I never think about nor really want marriage... until I look at someone else's wedding/engagement photos. Then the girl in me comes out and goes "awww, I really want that!" When I then analyze the expense of a wedding paired with my frugality and lack of anyone other than the boyfriend and myself to pay for it, I'm less interested in such things.

And really, what Adam and I are currently is basically a married couple. I like that feeling. I don't think being married is dictated by paper but a mindset. For some reason though it always makes me uncomfortable to think of being bound to another person by law. Makes me all itchy and antsy and not want it.
With that said, I do want the respect that comes from being married and having a child with the person. I get that we're doing it all backwards... I also get that I shouldn't care what other's think... But you'd be lying to yourself if the idea of being able to refer to the father [or mother] of your child as your spouse doesn't make you feel better. I don't want people to pass judgement on me using the term boyfriend when referencing the man I procreated with. He's so much more to me than that word represents! I mean, it's not like anyone is noticeably judging me for not being married [or at least engaged] to the man I had a child with but referring to him as a boyfriend doesn't feel right to me. So sometimes I just refer to him as dad in whatever format works in talking about my son. I.e. "his daddy is great with him!" Seems to work out just fine.

I just want the respect of marriage without having to do it. Perhaps I'll just legally change my last name and wear a simple band or pretty ring on that finger. Let people think what they will! My grandma can get solace in thinking we're married... I can refer to him as hubby [like I sometimes slip up and do anyway] but I don't feel "stuck". So I get my sense of appreciation from others for "marrying" the father of my child without actually doing it.

Of course, I won't actually do this... And I feel silly for caring so much about what stigma people are attaching to me. But it's my thing to work on and whatever solution is best for me will happen. Thanks for reading my ramblings!

Confession...

I think I want a second child. Now don't get all excited, because I don't want said second child for a little while. But how can I not want to duplicate my adorable, and silly, little man?
Since having Viktor I always said he was the only one I was having. That he was all I could handle! And he's a handful. He strikes me as the child that will [when able] climb a tree just so that he may jump out of it. This thought doesn't excite me. It makes me dread future ER visits. But he may prove me wrong... who knows... it's just a feeling I have. And how will I literally catch him when he makes his leap of faith while holding a baby that needs me?

However, I also feel I would be doing my son a great injustice to NOT give him a sibling. My brother and sister are all I have! I mean, I have my step dad too. Who is very much family! So you better dare not downplay his role in my life. But there are only two people in the whole world who know what I've been through and how it feels to go through it. Name me another two people who've suffered the EXACT losses I did... I bet you can't. It's not terribly common to have both of your parents pass away due to their own, ignored, mental health issues. Yeah.

I digress.... I feel my son needs a sibling. I'd rather just have another little boy. I love boys! Haha. I'm the only female in the house, though I think one of the cats is a girl too. I'm surrounded by guys all day everyday. I prefer this. I'm concerned I'm not girly enough to have a daughter. If I found out I was pregnant with a girl in the future I think that would be the day I would try to start doing my hair and make up more often. I would probably subscribe to some fashion magazines so I can learn more and pair these efforts with more communication with my sister [as if I don't talk to her enough as it is...]. I want my son to have someone to grow up with that understands how his parents are. To bounce ideas off of. To have present in their lives when me and his father no longer is. We live too far/don't see Viktor's cousins often enough. And the one that does live in-state is 8! I mean, what does an 8 yr old have in common with a 1.5 yr old? Not much.... Though they do really like each other, it looks like it may be awhile before any serious bond forms.

Like I said, don't get all giddy excited by this confession. Or even ask me much about it... This is something I'd like for Viktor and it's going to be awhile before I get my ducks in a row to add another child to our family unit. Assuming the time is ever right to add on! But I have to do what's best for the family I currently have before adding more people to the mix.

It's been awhile

And in this while my son has been keeping me busy!! He seems to have gotten taller overnight while also walking around getting in to EVERYTHING!! But I wouldn't trade it for the world :)

Since my hiatus we had a trip up to Ohio to surprise my amazing sister for her birthday. I was surprised at how well this kid did for traveling so much. He only had a breakdown in his last hour or two of a 8-9 hr trip [driving up and driving back]. I have no idea how people manage to travel further than that in a car with a toddler.

It's weird to think of my son as a toddler now. I feel like his growing up has happened in a blink. I always was told and understood how much I needed to appreciate my son during this past year because they grow up SO fast but I guess I didn't expect it to sneak up on me like this. He's also quickly approaching the need to get his first haircut too. He's looking rather hippie-ish. Haha! But it's adorable and I don't have the heart to cut his little curls off. They're precious and I doubt I'll get them back if I do....

He still doesn't say words. He makes sounds that SOUND like he's trying to repeat what we're saying. Like 'kitty cat' and 'dog'. But is terribly inconsistent. However, Vik does babble constantly. And I mean constantly! Guess he takes after his mama!

Now I end this with a couple photos taken while in Ohio. Here's Viktor at Grandpa Bob's house with Ty [that dog has been around since I was maybe 12 or so... super old dog now]

And a picture of Viktor with Grandpa Bob. I love this photo cause even though Vik's like "sheesh ma, quit taking my photo" you can see Bob just beaming. I love it!!

Are you there Mom? It's me, Carla

Yes. I totally ripped that off of Judy Blume. What of it?

I've been having a lot of ups and downs lately. I'm not a fan of this fluctuation in moods nor do I know how to fix it. I'm sure some good 'ol counseling would help... perhaps some low dose meds... but those things don't come easy to the uninsured. And quite frankly, I'm exhausted at finding/researching how to get things I need [health wise] when I have no extra income for it. I've found a few solutions which usually involves paperwork and devoting a good chunk of my day to get the help. But hey, at least it's an option!

I just hate not having my mom around. I hate even more that there aren't people around me that get it. Well, my sister does but are circumstances are still slightly different so the emotions are as well. Sometimes I think it may be harder on her in some ways because her older two have a vague [if any at all by this point] memory of "Grandma Ruthie" while the youngest didn't even exist yet. But I guess at least mom got to see at least one of her children get married. See one of her children pregnant and meet her first granddaughter and grandson. There's this simply amazing photo of my mom holding my niece [this was within her first week or so of life when my mom went to go help my sister at home with her first babe]. They are standing near the backdoor at my sister's house and my mom had just turned at the camera when the pic was taken. The lighting isn't great which is why I think I love this photo so much. Shame it's in my sister's possession so I can't upload it for everyone else to enjoy :)

It just bums me out that my mom didn't get a chance to meet the man I love so dearly now. She missed out on my college graduation too. Oh, and me being pregnant and meeting my precious son. My sister had to fulfill my mom's promise to me. She had promised that she would do for me what she did for my sis... come and stay with me for a week whenever I had my first child and help me out. Obviously this was a promise she couldn't make good on. My sister, being the amazing person that she is, stepped into that "mom" role for me. You'd think our relationship would be more complex than it is. I mean, she's not just my older sister but she's sometimes my mother figure. I guess you'll have that when there's a 9 yr age gap... But the way that we fluctuate between which of those roles needs fulfilled in my life seems to be completely effortless. It's like she just knows I need her to be a mom to me for a moment. Or she knows I need my big sister to confide in or be silly in. I'm grateful to have her... I'm angry my mom isn't the one here fulfilling her role.

What I really hate hearing after sharing how sad I currently feel or have been feeling about my mom is when people try to make me feel better by pointing out that she's not really gone and she's watching over me. I don't [pardon the language] give a fuck. I don't. I could careless what it is my mom is doing while dead. Is she here? Is she helping me figure out how to raise my son? Has she ever met my son? Let me help you on this one... the answers are nope, nope, and nope! She is of no use to me dead. My kid won't give a shit who she is. He'll only care because I care.... and that's it. Think about it, do you care about your dead relative that you never met? Probably not much. You can't love someone you've never met. It's impossible... don't argue that point with me. Now I'm sure other people find it refreshing and nice to hear how their deceased loved one's are still there and what not. I'm not one of those people. It make me angry. It makes me hate religion. I know I'll always carry a part of my mom... I share half of her DNA. I am fully aware of her love for me and how much she would've loved the two main guys in my life. But her presence is not something I get to enjoy anymore. And I hate that she will never meet Adam because he's been so great and I know they'd really get along. But it was hard NOT to get along with my mom [at least most of the time]. What can I say? I feel I had the Mercedes Benz of mom's! It's just a shame that it got repo-ed...

Titles

I was reading my mom's forum when someone posed a dilemma in what to refer to someone who is not married into the family [there was more to it than that but I'm paraphrasing]. It really made me start thinking how many g-rents my kid has and how confusing it all is going to be! How am I going to explain to him that Daddy has both a mom and a dad and an extra dad and a kind of extra mom [his dad has been dating the same woman forever but won't get hitched again] but Mommy doesn't have a mom or a dad but has a step dad. Then there's the great grandparents. Unlike Adam my step dad was around basically my entire life so I have a closeness with his family that Adam doesn't quite have with his new step family. Granted, he did have a step family prior to this one and I didn't so that may make a slight difference. Who knows? I digress...
So not only is there grandpa [or whatever my kid comes up to my call my step dad] but there's a great grandma on my mom's side, a great grandma on my dad's side, and a great grandma and grandpa in my step dad's family. That's 5 in my family. Now on to Adam's: Nana, Papa Rick, grandpa [Adam's dad], then his great grandpa on his mom's side and two great grandparents on his dad's side. So we have 6 in Adam's family so all together Vik will have 11 people in his life to refer to as a grandparent in some sense of the word. Sheesh. That's a lot of people! Way to go blended families.

I gotta say though... the idea of explaining it all doesn't thrill me. I want my son to call my step dad something along the lines of grandpa. Even though everyone [including my sister's kids] call him by his first name. And I absolutely detest the thought of explaining my lack of parents and Adam's surplus of them. If it weren't for the fact that I think it would confuse people or would be just disrespectful to my biological father and his family I would just refer to my step dad as my dad. But alas, since I never called him that and was never pressed to call him that it'd just feel weird to do it now at 25. Besides, I think being a step dad and referred to as such with extreme fondness is almost better than being someone's biological parent. Sure the bond and love is different but nothing expresses true, deep, sincere, love better than acting as a parent when you have no obligation to do so. It amazes me that he was able to step into our lives and act as a father without over stepping boundaries of our actual father. It amazes me even more that he stayed involved in our lives even after our mom passed. This man has no blood or legal obligation to us but he treats us as his own. That is just incredible. It's nice to know that I still have a parent...